Looking to the outside world for better desires when vulnerable, is risky business. I’m open to further exploitation by Mind Spammers!
So upon my search for salvation was a popular world offering many ways and techniques to help achieve a steady heaven or righteousness. Quite naturally, in all the hype, I latched onto whatever I could; being so desperate at the time. But after a good sniff, I only took things seriously for a moment (say, a couple of years). Eventually, I gave up and ran the other away.
When I condense what I’d learnt from these general spiritual/religious/mindful intakes down to a couple of lines, here are the underpinning messages from a hundred stories
‘Lee, suppress your feelings and desires by replacing them with this ritual or set-of-words. Feel it. It’s great, right? Now, don’t you want more of this reward, and to be accepted by everyone?’
‘Try shifting over to the left or right, or anywhere other than where you are right now. Then you should feel it.’
‘Also, if you have no luck in changing your desires for the better or healthier road, then you must add EXTRA FORCE to reform them, while gracefully pretending you hadn’t.’
Eventually, it became all too much trying to hold my facade together while I felt deeper issues pressing behind. So after one last attempt to straighten up using the conventional ropes on offer, I lost confidence realising; I’m truly psychologically all-alone in this world. Changing my desires, forcefully suppressing the old while encouraging speculation without ever going further into the process.
People Would Say…
‘Lee, put your desires onto a symbol or a famous person, as it should help you find your place. Whether they are dead or alive, it doesn’t matter, so long as a good track record lays intact. And most importantly, that everyone can see the NEW YOU.’
‘Please, look at and acknowledge all the positives in this person or from that drawing so you too can become a copy and follow whatever behaviour or trait this special/sacred image person or dead person projects. Lee, life will become better as your bad desires are now magically gone, with new tamed ones in place.’
And Voila! Here I was, instantly reborn, now congratulated for having changed my desires forever!‘Well done and welcome to a new life, Lee!’ Though, with more glorification and storyline.
But the hard fact was, my little devil was only gone from the surface of my mind and still had a steady pulse below. If anything, he’s grown much stronger today.
Ultimately, I worked out that this type of fixing or righteousness was an ideal road not suited for me. It was too big of a leap from the ‘fact about me’ to the ‘non-fact reborn image lightyears from me’.