I came into the world physically and mentally long-sighted and miles from everyone else. But a smaller margin in life with strange challenges also had its perks. Soon, I’d learn that I could shorten the road ahead by finding weaknesses to exploit. Then, sneak thru a hole in the fence when no one else was there.
Although I ‘kind of’ wanted a bonafide or traditional reward like others my age, they weren’t on my priority list because of the average ‘at-most’ appeal that barely hit the spot. Instead, there were always these tastier ones hovering further in front. Over the horizon was where I knew or felt the good stuff was kept. And naturally, from this day forward, my sneaky goals in life were set.
Growing up with a funny combination of secret desires and various obstacles, I would always land at the same crossroads. My supercharged arsenal of ideas that fired back and forth, nonstop, meant I’d LACK in drive or will to push the average/imposed ones through. That is, all the boring tasks set by parents, teachers and peers, etc., that apparently had to get done.
Since I was forever busy calculating in the imagination, then, overlapping to compensate for these annoying unreality blockers (people who served up reality!), I deprived myself of crucial space. The energy of space, or spacial-energy, is vital in the development of a young highly sensitive mind, so thanks for ripping me off, life!
Without my psychological breathing area, I naturally veered from the conventional world.
I took the long road by taking shortcuts on nearly all occasions, having once thought that the convenience of a side-door wormhole was the best way to live and move forward since I’d struggle where other’s found flow. See, all I had to do was pull certain strings at the right time and use my knack in a workaround. Then I’d step it up because nothing ever made me quite as happy as a secret bypass or two that others hadn’t known.
Long Sighted While Also Short-Road Addicted
Unfortunately, my shady habits overwhelmed when I was young, and I now blame it on this sensitivity issue left unchecked. Seconded and coupled-in by, my environmental exposures and conditioning that fuelled up a young spark with the good stuff, early.
I’m sure this is why I didn’t see anything of value through, neglecting everyday tasks and projects because they felt too foreign, complicated, tedious. Or traditional steps never lead to anything tasty enough. No one knew any better for me back then and wrote my behaviour off on other things, so my little devil inside was left with no option but to grow hard and fast. 😈
Though I did have it partly right upstairs; I was half bright, at least!
In the idea mode, there was never any problem with my will (the invisible whip), and everything felt perfectly planned. But when it came time to materialise and press these thoughts onto the real world or thru that annoying in-the-way hoop; Gravity, I’d fizzle out. Often, I’d find some bogus excuse and lose my ground to achieve/perform.
What I wanted most was to find a way to minimise each step within the task at hand so I could get to my treat without any REAL hassle.
A Late Learner
As a young man who had way too many unrealistic options, one idea springing up after the next from pressures by both myself AND others, the only real success that came was creating an unstable kid with a short fuse. Naturally, I turned into a big-bag of dodgy firecrackers, the full extent of which produced a trail of destruction across my timeline, following.
I speak in post-life tense now because I feel that layer has peeled away and it’s liberating. Today, I’m simply reporting to you from beyond the grave, in a life review.
Having reached a point where something had to give for a real chance at REAL CHANGE, off I’d go to learn about this domination of ‘will’ as a bug inside my head. Over-willed, under-willed, etc. Anything outside an optimal range.