Like everyone, I’m a creature of habit. My programs are made of past/acquired influences that are now ingrained. These snippets of information have naturally encoded into my /psychological–conditioning-folder/ that is clearly showing up on my desktop display. To this day, I continue to latch onto various stimuli and my attention shifts between each state as I regularly feel the appeal quality fluctuate.
By the time I reach a high from desiring, I begin changing course. I eventually hit pockets of resistance/repulsion thru the general fear of things on the opposite… an undesirable field.
Also, in terms of days, i.e., today, yesterday, and tomorrow, these widely used synchronised linear programs all work the same as any other word in my head. They are the up and down voices that steer and jolt the ship. Therefore I can’t help but live life circulating thru several habits based on the products and byproducts coming out of my desires.
As I glimpse back at the old track record with far greater energy than in previous years, it says it all. I more than thrived off psychological stimuli (theatrics/dramas), let alone all the physical fruits or goodies that I’d regularly add on top (my boosters).
But for the first time ever, I’m now aware of my cravings that jump up fast. I also notice how easy it is to allow myself to keep running an open bar on these invisible mindly wonders, on top the visible ones — physical stimulants. Yet I thankfully drop the bulk of it, so I don’t get as stung by the opposite, like I always had before.
I Was After More & More Sensation!
Having said that, I also no longer fiercely force AGAINST my desires either, since learning of the full spectrum of effects that come with the poles.
Or I’m now more conscious of responding in BOTH ways, in the pushing away and my pulling in of whatever it is inside my desires; i.e., the objects of my desire.
I’m Not Too Demanding, nor Suppressive, Which Is Where Things Looped, Causing Tension
I ultimately found that too much suppression caused a stronger demand and I led a double life by succumbing, thereby, over-indulging on the low. In turn, this ate away at my space again, and I soon felt compelled to suppress my desires from all the guilt. So the whole damn thing sent me loopy!
If life loops between desirable & undesirable episodes, it only makes sense to minimise and gain strength!
So I thank God for the middle ground I’m at today. Plus, I think of myself as somewhat of a Bipolar Expert who clearly shows that the counterforce also carries a cost.
When it now comes to feeding my inner devil, he’s on a much lighter portion, rather than being cut off completely. My success arrived only by understanding these packaged opposites and watching it all play out. Not to deny one side, the undesirable, while expecting an open tab on the other.