Like everyone, I’m a creature of habit. My programs are made of past/acquired influences that are now ingrained. These snippets of information have naturally encoded into my /psychological–conditioning/ folder and a refined version clearly shows up on my desktop or frontend display. The unrefined version, or the totality of my conditioning, on the other hand, definitely needs to stay hidden. To this day, I continue to latch onto various inputs of stimuli and my attention shifts between each state of mind as I regularly feel the appeal quality fluctuate.
Unfortunately, by the time I reach a high from desiring, I begin changing course. Soon, I hit pockets of resistance/repulsion thru the ‘general fear of things’ on the opposite side of appeal… aka an undesirable field.
Also, in terms of days, i.e., today, yesterday, and tomorrow, these widely used synchronised human linear programs fluctuate more so than other words stored in my repository because of desire and non-desire. They attract the instant up and down influences that steer and jolt the ship of my life. “I have to see such and such on Tuesday, or today, or tomorrow, dammit!” (in this case, such and such is the negative thing). Or, “I can’t wait to try the new such and such on Friday, or today, or tomorrow” (in this case, such and such is the positive thing). Therefore I can’t help but live a life controlled by several popup demands via these things called days based on the products and byproducts coming out of desire.
Becoming Aware of My Desiring
As I glimpse back at the old track record with far greater energy than in previous years, it says it all. I more than thrived off psychological stimuli (theatrics — illusions & drama), let alone all the physical fruits or goodies that I’d regularly add on top (my cabinet, pantry or cupboard-kept boosters).
But for the first time ever, I’m now aware of my cravings that jump up fast. I also notice how easy it is to allow myself to keep running an open bar on these invisible mindly wonders, as well as the visible ones — aka physical stimulants. Yet I thankfully drop the bulk of those cravings, so I don’t get as stung by the opposite, negative blowback like I always had before.
I Was After More & More Sensation as Time Went On!
Having said that, I also no longer fiercely fight AGAINST my desires either, since learning of the full spectrum of effects that come with the poles that link ‘non-desire’ with ‘desire’.
I’m now more conscious of responding in BOTH ways, in the pushing away and my pulling in of whatever is inside my desires; i.e., the objects of my desire.
I’m No Longer Too Demanding, or Suppressive, Which Is Where Things Looped, Causing Tension
That’s right! I ultimately found that too much ‘suppressing my conditioned desires’ caused a stronger demand and I led a double life by eventually ‘succumbing to greater desires’, thereby over-indulging on the low if that makes sense. In turn, this ate away at my space again, and I soon felt compelled to re-suppress my desires from all the guilt. So the whole damn thing sent me loopy!
If life loops between desirable & undesirable episodes, it only makes sense to minimise or optimise this life process from another angle in order to gain strength!
So I thank God for the middle ground I’m at today. Plus, I think of myself as somewhat of a Bipolar Expert who clearly shows that the counterforce also carries a cost.
When it now comes to feeding my inner devil, he’s on a much lighter and healthier portion (thank God), rather than being cut off completely. My success arrived only by understanding these packaged opposites and watching it all play out. Not to deny one side, the undesirable, while expecting an open tab on the other.