The Will of a Young Boy

I came into our world physically and mentally long-sighted and miles from everyone else. But a smaller margin in life with strange challenges also had its perks. Soon, I learnt that I could shorten the road ahead by finding weaknesses to exploit. Then, I would sneak thru a hole in the fence when no one else was there.

Although I ‘kind of’ wanted a bonafide or traditional reward like others my age, they weren’t on my priority list because of the average ‘at-most’ felt appeal that barely hit the spot. Instead, there were always these tastier ones hovering further in front. Over the horizon was where I knew that  the good stuff was kept.  So naturally from this day forward, my sneaky goals in life were set.

My Hidden Trajectory

Growing up with a funny combination of secret desires and various obstacles, I would always land at the same crossroads. My supercharged arsenal of ideas that fired back and forth nonstop, meant I’d LACK in drive or will to push the average/imposed ones through. That is, all the boring tasks set by parents, teachers and peers that apparently had to get done.

Since I was forever busy calculating in the imagination, then overlapping to compensate for these annoying unreality blockers (people who served up reality!), I deprived myself of a crucial space. The energy of space or spacial-energy (not the traditional sense of spacious sensation), is vital in the development of a young mind. Especially if it is of a highly sensitive nature.

Without a psychological breathing area away from ‘thought-powered sensation’, I naturally veered from the conventional world.

I took the long road by taking shortcuts on nearly all occasions, having once thought that the convenience of a side-door wormhole was the best way to live and move forward since I struggled where others found their flow. See, all I had to do was pull certain strings at the right time and use my knack in a workaround. Then of course, I’d step it up… Nothing ever made me quite as happy as a secret bypass or two that others hadn’t known.

Long Sighted While Also Short-Road Addicted

Unfortunately, my shady habits overwhelmed my life when I was young, and I now blame it on this sensitivity issue left unchecked. Seconded and coupled by my environmental pressures, or the conditioning that fuelled up a young spark with the good stuff earlier.

I’m sure this is why I didn’t see anything of value through, neglecting everyday tasks and projects because they felt too foreign, complicated and tedious. Or traditional steps never lead to anything tasty enough. No one knew any better for me back then and wrote my behaviour off on other things, so my little devil inside was left with no option but to circulate and grow sneakily. 😈

Although, I did have it partly right upstairs. I was at least half bright!

In the idea mode, there was never any problem with my will (the invisible whip), and I felt that I had everything perfectly planned. But when it came time to materialise and press these thoughts onto the real world or thru that annoying in-the-way hoop we all know as gravity, I fizzled out. Often, I would find some bogus excuse and immediately lost my drive to achieve or perform.

I guess, what I wanted most was to find a way to minimise each step within the task at hand, so I could get to my treat without any REAL hassle.

A Late Learner

So as a young man who had way too many unrealistic options, one idea springing up after the next from pressures by both myself AND others, the only real success that came was creating an unstable kid with a short fuse. Naturally, I turned into a big-bag of dodgy firecrackers, the full extent of which produced a trail of destruction across my timeline that followed.

And I speak in post-life tense now because I feel that layer has peeled away. It’s liberating. Today, I’m simply reporting to you from beyond the grave in a life review.

Lee-decommissioned
It’s too bright up there, so I’ll stay in between and stick with my grey. Grey is home. 😎

Having reached a point where something had to give for a real chance at REAL change, off I went to learn about this domination of ‘will’ as a bug inside my head. Over-willed or under-willed, etc. It is anything outside an optimal driving range.


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