Once upon a time when I lived as many different up and down characters, I’d see myself as a whole and level, strangely. But now that I’m only moderately fragmented, I feel somewhat divided while erratic. 🙄
Lands of Problems & Escapes
I’ve been playing a part or ‘the part’ my whole life and know no other way. Except nowadays, I’m actively aware of the fractures that have torn the identity of ‘me’ into many: i.e., the happy me, sad me, agitated me, cunning me, holy me, etc. I have finally wisened up to my roller-coaster state of mind as my attention frequently shifts towards another mode of thinking in a different zone.
When I have a problem or see a challenge and I fail to resolve/address it, which could be any relationship breakdown or complication left unfixed, including a program overload or byproduct, I escape one fragment of my mind by moving and annexing straight into and under another.
In a well-crafted lifetime pattern, I would always find a convenient way to flee the pressure from the seized cogs in one dense zone and I’d settle into an area with far less immediate disruption. This was my escape. However, not long after, these problems would pull me back out of my comfort zone to face the initial cause that threw things out.
Rather than continue facing the challenge dealt by my big bad world, I’d end up saying, let’s postpone, while journeying off into another land using my secretly pre-mapped escape.
By again exploiting my mind for another set of overriding pleasantries to roll in from discreetly refining (my habit to wander off into familiar positive imagination), the captivation I feel forms the shield I need to push all of my bothers aside. Also, this short term sensational getaway would often play tricks. It could easily dress up as the resolution to satisfy my insecurities for now.