People often asked… How the heck did you make it back from such a wrecked state of being?
<Begin The Heavy Narrative: A Hidden Meeting That Changed My Life Forever>
“I decided one day I was going to change.” No, that’s a load of BS. But, it was the easiest and most convenient answer to give at the time.
Truth is, I only made it back after I turned down a lucrative offer from the darker forces in our community in early 2013, which also messed with my head because it was really an ultimatum. It was one of the weirdest days of my life, to say the least. I definitely didn’t anticipate a secret meeting to play out which happened on the Gold Coast (my home), in Australia.
Long story short, I left a mess behind within the ranks of Law Enforcement or Domestic Security back in 2010. No, I wasn’t a police officer or anything close to it. I was definitely on the other end of the book. You could say that I piled up a lot of criminal debt over many years, then I looked for a way to bankrupt myself or shift the mess elsewhere in desperation of a fresh start, which ended up stirring the pot.
Unfortunately, I ran myself into the ground over a long period of time by simply not looking after myself or my community, being extremely selfish in my ways. What can I say? Other than… I was corrupt and surrounded myself with the like-minded. But in my defence, it was the way things were back then, or at least it was in my world. Every third or fourth person I came into contact with was running a shortcut. So what did I do? I amalgamated with them, like heavy metals do.
At one stage, I was breaking the law every five minutes across different states which gave me a strong sense of power followed by a strong sense of regret. You know… “I’m the KING of the underground!” (which was nonsense because I was far from it) followed by “I’ve gotta stop this crap. Tomorrow I will change into a new person! You wait & see…” (which was simply a convenient illusion). I travelled from one end of the spectrum to the other. Though I’ve now realised that if one is not pure evil while living this way, this inner conflict will continue to plague the mind.
Coming back… Towards the end of this era of corruption things started to not feel right, far more than usual, which seriously affected my mood and disrupted my flow in daily life. This was when I truly realised that I was at the end of my road and that something seriously bad was about to happen. Without a doubt, it was my first real psychic success amongst the chaos. Being shady for so long meant that I also drew in many other shady influences, thus causing overall darkness within and around my being. Although there was still a hint of light involved somewhere, this darkness wasn’t going to go away with a click of the fingers. To be fair in my transparent approach, I was also addicted to Xanax at the time which is a kick-ass, highly addictive anti-anxiety drug that creates temporary annexation on demand. Therefore, it can easily play tricks on the mind as well.
With too much going on, and a deeper feeling of dire consequences about to come back and bite from years of thinking I was getting away with everything, I decided to pull the pin on this lifestyle using whatever methods I could. This meant toying with my state’s Corruption Watchdog who were the official ‘checks & balances’ for institutions within the community. Therefore, I threw a spanner in the works and started spilling the beans on myself, first and foremost, in order to help disperse the darkness around me, being tied in with a powerful hidden community operating in the background (or at least that was my perception of things). It was an all-in approach that I would later learn was perfect timing as there may have been something else installed for me just around the corner. That is, if I had not captured the attention of the Watchdog in the aim of my redemption.
Exposing Hidden Elements Literally Made Me Sick
In over my head, I fell nightmarishly ill — deservingly, because of the choices I made spanning over a lifetime that called for it. In a nutshell, I was doped up on the low, but it was far better than the ‘something else installed for me…’, I must admit. Yet I also felt that I wasn’t supposed to make it back to sanity from what was nothing short of an ‘unholy war’ raging in my mind.
It was early 2010 when I first landed in a Psych Ward with mental problems that packed an almighty punch I certainly wasn’t ready for. Also, I got the feeling that people wanted me buried even deeper — fully institutionalised and never to come back. You see, not only could I barely put my words together over a number of months following the episode, but I also found it hard to follow a straight line. Simply existing in this state was tough enough! Though somehow, I managed to crawl my way out of this hole over the years by sweating out these crippling toxins. And it wasn’t to be spoken of either because it all came from the black top-shelf! (Aka the shelf that doesn’t exist). Believe it or not… The fact I couldn’t speak of the number one issue affecting my life by the second made this ordeal the biggest and most frustrating challenge ever!
Jump to 2013 and the word was… I made a dent in the system over a lengthy investigation and comfortable people were now getting edgy about it. Apparently, there was an uptight division going on in the background of my community because I was still putting my nose where it didn’t belong (except it was in much cleaner condition). Therefore, “it’s time for you to go” was the topic of our conversation on this day. Bottom line… I was told that it would be in my very best interest to pack my bags and get out of Australia asap. And for what? This commotion was all over a mismanaged trait that I felt cursed with at birth, i.e., putting my nose where it didn’t belong!
Within moments of learning this and finally having a real conversation about my issues, the rush of thoughts crippled me in fear. Well, my mind went back and forth a few times but it soon got stuck on fear because I knew what was being spelt, feeling vulnerable in the very seat I was sitting in. You see, I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders that day (uncertainty, insecurity) and the feeling stayed with me for years. In fact, the moment I left this meeting, I couldn’t step into a normal way of life ever again. I couldn’t take any step without looking around for dangers.
Not only did everything change as my system went haywire, but I also found it hard to control my reactions and responses, so everything stayed on the low in my personal life. But the words “Shut up and stay quiet” kept amplifying louder and louder in my mind. This was when another controller hit the scene and bunkered down. An inner voice who was perhaps my only real saviour would start taking control. You have no idea how hard it is to keep the most prominent issues of your life to yourself. Issues that are obviously rattling your psyche but you need to blame it on something else which is when my clandestine skills came into play keeping me above board (ironically). I had definitely bitten off more than I could chew. Untangling myself from this web was now up to me and this ridiculously serious voice inside my head.
“I’m doomed”, I remember eerily thinking… I just got myself out of one type of crazy, only to wind up in another type of crazy by internalising everything at full speed. How the hell am I going to deal with all this? For instance, someone close would say… ‘Lee, why are you acting up? Why are you so anxious?’ And I would have to say some sort of bs to explain why I couldn’t talk properly while I also happened to be sweating it out in the inside. It was a tough but very deserved time that went on forever.
Luckily, and I mean LUCKILY, something deep inside me further activated from all of my experiencing and nosying, and a new guidance system decided to take another approach to life which is why this site is here. Otherwise, I would be in a much worse off state today. Believe that! Welcome to the Mindless Life 2.0. Now, do you see why it is the perfect name?
Wait up… You are probably wondering how a few words on a random day can possibly control my life?
Ok, they did come with a few more… (there’s always more!)
Basically, I was given a billion reasons to pack my bag that week and move offshore, far out of the reach of the Authorities. As crazy as it sounds, I took it seriously because of my experiences.
Pick a place with minimal infrastructure and funds will be arranged for you on the other end. Lee, you need to do this because your very existence is creating problems for us on the books. Also, “the system doesn’t like to be broken” which was a memorable quote said on that day. On top, the house is willing to credit you a small number of revenge chips to use on your past down the track, once you do the right thing and this mess is cleaned up. Whatever bad blood you have with anyone, we can help you by making them pay, slowly and painfully.
But wait… there was more enticement (excluding the slowly and painfully part), including talk of Life Extension Technology.
As an added bonus that comes with staying well-managed on the Darkside, you may possibly gain access to the latest Life Extension Technology reserved for only a small group of people. (I couldn’t help but take this seriously as well, based on my experiences). Yet after a good think about what this could really mean over the years, I realised that there might be a few hidden surprises tied up in it as well. (Do you see what I mean? I can’t stop putting my God-forsaken nose into things…).
None of it ended up mattering anyway at the deeper level because it was all too much for me and had messed with my head. When the follow-up phone call came in the next day, I said the answer is no, so don’t call me again. Straight away, I was buckled in fear with ongoing nervous breakdowns because I didn’t know what this had spelt for myself and the people I care about. And yeah, there were a few nudges to try and get me to change my mind along the way, but something else inside me had its own plan.
A punishment of continuously ‘vetting my surroundings’ took over my life, taking copious amounts of energy. No matter where I walked from this point on, I was tiptoeing in somebody else’s house as far as my mind was concerned.
But how could I take such out-there ideas so seriously?
I was primed with information that could only come from the intelligence community. They knew exactly what buttons to press, and they were pressed. Otherwise, this would have been done and dusted by now, and I wouldn’t have massive pressure building on the left side of my head, neck and shoulders to this day. (I wish I could blame the Xanax.)
Why the left side in particular?
I still don’t know why most of the pressure moved to my left side. There were unusual fluctuations of biochemical and neurochemical activity over the years that did their own thing. I call it the ‘left-sided anger cells’ that have taken over my life. Well, something is annoying me on the left side of my head and neck from too much overthinking (vetting my surroundings, projecting all sorts of drama along with making other plans to deal with people). I’ve chosen not to see a Doctor because he needs a story to go with it. Yeah, right. Let’s see… “This is what’s happened Doc, and I’ve been bouncing between extreme fear and genocidal rage daily for years.” I don’t think so.
Here’s How I See Everything Today…
People run their life from a fairly even perspective. I simply run mine from an odd perspective.
Also, if it weren’t for my tendency to always scan ahead, perhaps I would’ve gone the other way and life would be far different for me today. Perhaps, I would have jumped on a plane and lined my back pocket, lived lavishly for a few blinks while also indulging in the bad blood of the past. Fortunately, I didn’t take that route of ending up in a much bigger hell.🌋
What route am I on now?
Jump to now and I can happily tell you that I’ve earned my way back to freedom by making my own deal with the Universe. It says that it’s now my house and that I need to keep looking after it the way I have been.
<End The Heavy Narrative>