“I decided one day I was going to change.” No, that’s a load of bs. But, it was the easiest and most convenient answer to give at the time.
Truth is, I only made back after I turned down a lucrative offer from the darker forces in our community in early 2013, which also messed with my head because it was really an ultimatum. It was the weirdest day, to say the least. I definitely wasn’t expecting a secret meeting to play out which occurred on the Gold Coast, in Australia.
Long story short, I left a mess behind within the ranks of Law Enforcement back in 2010. No, I wasn’t a police officer or anything close to it. I was definitely on the other end of the book. You could say that I piled up a lot of criminal debt, then I bankrupted myself for a fresh start.
Unfortunately, I ran myself into the ground over the years by simply not looking after myself and my community. At one stage, I was breaking the law every five minutes across different states which gave me a false sense of power followed with a false sense of regret. Tomorrow I will change!
However, towards the end of this era things started to not feel right, which permanently affected my mood and disrupted my flow. This was when I realised that I was truly at the end of my road and that something serious was happening. Except, being shady for so long, meant that I also drew in many other shady influences, thus causing overall darkness around my being which wasn’t going to go away in a click of the fingers.
With too much going on and a feeling of bad things about to come back and bite from years of thinking I was getting away with stuff, I decided to pull the pin on this lifestyle using whatever methods I could, which also meant toying with my state’s Corruption Watchdog who were the official ‘checks & balances’ for institutions within the community. Therefore, I threw a spanner in the works and started spilling my guts. Later I would learn that this was all good timing as there may have been something else installed for me just ahead for being too reckless.
So I fell ill — deservingly, because of the choices I made spanning over a lifetime (it was the next best result… pheww). Yet I also felt that I wasn’t supposed to make it back to sanity from what was nothing short of an ‘unholy war’ going on in my mind. You see, I landed in a Psych Ward in early 2010 with mental problems that packed an almighty punch I certainly wasn’t ready for, and I got the feeling that people wanted me buried even deeper — fully institutionalised. Not only could I barely put my words together over a number of months following the episode, but I also found it hard to follow a straight line. Yet I somehow managed to crawl my way out of this hole over the years ahead, and away from the crippling toxins that came from the black top-shelf! Aka the shelf that doesn’t exist.
Jump to 2013 and the word was… I made a dent in the system over a lengthy investigation and people were now getting edgy about it. Apparently, there was an uptight division going on in the background of my community because I was still putting my nose where it didn’t belong. Therefore, “it’s time for you to go” was the topic of our conversation on this day. Yeah, I was basically told that it would be in my very best interest to pack my bags and get out of Australia asap. And for what? This commotion was all over a mismanaged trait that I was cursed with at birth, i.e., putting my nose where it didn’t belong!
Within moments of learning this, my nostalgia did a 180 and I was crippled in fear. Well, it went back and forth a few times but it soon leaned on fear. You see, I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders and this feeling stayed with me for years. In fact, the moment I left this meeting, I couldn’t step into a normal way of life ever again. I couldn’t take any step without looking around for dangers.
Not only did everything change on this day, but I also found it hard to control my reactions and responses so everything stayed on the low. “Shut up and stay quiet”, said an inner voice who was perhaps my only real saviour at the time. You have no idea how hard it is to keep the most prominent issues of your life to yourself. I had definitely bitten off more than I could chew over the years. Untangling myself from this web was now up to me (along with a voice or two inside my head).
Jesus Christ, I remember thinking… I just got myself out of one type of crazy, only to enter into another type of crazy by internalising everything. Someone close would say… Lee, why are you acting up and so anxious? And I would say some sort of bs to explain why I couldn’t talk properly while I also happened to be sweating. It was a tough time.
Luckily, and I mean LUCKILY, something deep inside me activated from all this and a new guidance system decided to take another approach at life which is why this site is here. Otherwise, I would be in a much worse off state today. Welcome to the Mindless Life!
Wait up… You are probably wondering how a few words on a random day can possibly control my life?
Ok, they did come with a few more… (there’s always more!)
Basically, I was given a billion reasons to pack my bag that week and move offshore, far out of the reach of Australian Law Enforcement.
Pick a place with minimal infrastructure and funds will be arranged for you on the other end. Lee, you need to do this because your very existence is creating problems for us on the books. Also, “the system doesn’t like to be broken” which was a memorable quote said on that day. On top, the house is willing to credit you a small number of revenge chips to use on your past down the track, once you do the right thing and this mess is cleaned up. Whatever bad blood you have with anyone, we can make them pay, slowly and painfully.
But wait… there was more enticement (excluding the slowly and painfully part), including talk of Life Extension Technology.
As an added bonus that comes with staying well-managed on the Darkside, you may possibly gain access to the latest Life Extension Technology reserved for only a small group of people. Yet after a good think about what this could really mean over the years, I realised that there might be a few hidden surprises tied up in it as well. (See what I mean? I can’t stop putting my nose into things…)
None of it ended up mattering anyway at the deeper level because it was all too much for me and had messed with my head. When the follow-up phone call came in the next day, I said the answer is no, so don’t call me again. Straight away, I was buckled in fear because I didn’t know what this had spelt for myself and the people I care about. And yeah, there were a few nudges to try and get me to change my mind, but something else inside me had its own plan.
Please… don’t think that I got off the hook that easy from years of bad behaviour. A punishment of continuously ‘vetting my surroundings’ took over my life, taking copious amounts of energy. No matter where I walked from this point on, I was tiptoeing in somebody else’s house as far as my mind was concerned.
But how could I take such out-there ideas so seriously?
I was primed with information that could only come from the intelligence community. They knew exactly what buttons to press, and they were pressed. Otherwise, this would have been done and dusted by now, and I wouldn’t have massive pressure building on the left side of my head, neck and shoulders to this day.
Why the left side in particular?
I still don’t know why most of the pressure moved to my left side. There were unusual amounts of biochemical and neurochemical activity over the years that did its own thing. I call it the ‘left-sided anger cells’ that have taken over my life. Well, something’s growing on the left side of my head and neck from too much overthinking; i.e., vetting my surroundings, projecting all sorts of drama along with making other plans. I’ve chosen not to see a Doctor because he needs a story to go with it. Yeah, ok… “This is what’s happened Doc, and I’ve been bouncing between extreme fear and genocidal rage daily for years.”
I’ll pass on that.
Here’s how I see everything today…
People run their life from an even perspective. I simply run mine from an odd perspective.
Also, if it weren’t for my tendency to always scan ahead, perhaps I would’ve gone the other way and life would be far different today. Perhaps, I would have jumped on a plane and lined my back pocket, lived lavishly for a few blinks while also indulging in the bad blood of the past. Fortunately, I didn’t take that route of ending up in a much bigger hell.🌋
What route am I on now?
Jump to now and I can happily tell you that I’ve earned my own universal chips that are stacking high, making my own house (in case I ever need to use these chips for whatever reasons I see fit).