Coming back to my earlier rogue life… The fact was, deep down, I didn’t like where I was heading, but I had lost control of the ship. Luckily, though, only moments or metres away from entering a hell I sure wouldn’t have enjoyed staying in, something pulled me back up at the 11th hour and 59th minute because it wanted me to have another go at it. Well, that’s the only sense I can make of it. All in all, I was taught a good lesson to not mess with the underground ever again. Or, if I did, I was to take it above ground in future (which is better for everyone’s sake — believe me..!).
Welcome to The Mindless Life 2.0
Next, and after a good hard think about everything on the long journey back to my comfortable earth that I’m now grateful for, I’d try to make up with life by donning this well-designed robe I’d heard all about (made of angelic light). Here, I would start and continue reforming myself, deeply-reflecting, as ‘I thought’ these new spiritual-like intentions I had glued onto were all righteous and would fix everything!
But in the midst of renewing and purifying these darker elements (btw, this is when I usually flip to the third person, to give a sense of awayness from the other ‘Lee’), my new outfit that was supposed to change my life forever started losing its light. Instead, as time went on, I could sense a new tone of grey seeping through as reality got under my skin.
Was I after a revolution or transformation in my old ways?
But I was also running off years of both guilt and anger, along with bad programming that weighed heavily on my shoulders.
I remember a time when the cover of light was the only thing that I felt could have saved me. Believe me, I am truly grateful for my lifeline at the time, or my perception of it, which was the only element that brought comfort to my troubled mind. However, since my main issues kept bugging me in the background, and I couldn’t defuse them once and for all because they required more than one person at the table, a fake illumination wasn’t going to last for long. This meant that below the bright robe was another entity downloading new commands and redundancy programs at a different level of reality.
Setting Camouflage to Max-Light!
My massive leap into the Counterculture was one of the most uncomfortable times in life. Yet I felt I had no choice in the matter as a built-in emergency system took over and made me follow everything thru.
It was so annoying because, ‘above’ or ‘near the surface’, I had trouble squeezing into the new me since the old one wouldn’t let up. Which meant that I couldn’t find myself, my ‘real’ or ‘authentic’ self if such an entity exists at all…
Lee, where abouts are you? Where are you hiding back there? Do you even exist..? Or has something fragmented into 3 parts the old and 7 parts the new?
Talk about confusing existential times…
In essence, my desire or habit of scanning for different ways to manipulate and get back to business in the pretend new purified-me model was almost up. I could pull things off for a short while and speak with the filter of the light on-board. But I would soon need a devilish release of some sort on the low to get me thru the harder times.
I was stuck in limbo… in between the dead and living realms.
Plus, since I felt I was being watched at every moment by God almighty himself, or a sitting panel of THEM, I would try my hardest to shape and appease this overwhelming guilt.
But, ‘Make it all go away!’ was the ultimate demand pressing through my hidden frustration…
Luckily, though, I got my approval from the people around me which helped create the space I needed while dealing with serious background problems that required significant energy.
When under stress and duress, get redressed and then have a rest. If that’s what it takes to get out of the pickle you’re in…
So it didn’t take long to realise that the light is especially good for a little, much-needed timeout from the front lines.