Ending My Darker Shade

Coming back to my earlier rogue life, the fact was that deep down I didn’t like where I was heading, but I had lost control of the ship. Luckily, only moments away from entering a hell I sure wouldn’t have enjoyed staying in, something pulled me up at the 11th hour and 59th minute. All in all, I was taught a good lesson to not mess with the underground ever again. Or, if I were, I was to take it above ground in future.

Welcome to The Mindless Life!

Then, after a good hard think about everything on the long journey back to my comfortable earth that I’m now grateful for, I’d try to make up with life by throwing over this well-designed robe I’d heard all about. Here, I would start and continue reforming myself, deeply-reflecting, as ‘I thought’ these new spiritual-like intentions I glued onto were all righteous and would fix everything!

But in the midst of renewing and purifying, my new outfit that was supposed to change life forever, it wouldn’t break-in properly or stretch out, even a little. Instead, it got tighter and tighter to wear as reality got under my skin.

Was I after a revolution or transformation? Desperately, yes. But I was also running off years of both guilt and anger that weighed heavily on my shoulders.

I remember a time when the cover of light was the only thing that could save me. I am truly grateful for the only lifeline at the time, or my perception of it, at least. However, since my main issues kept bugging me in the background or would not let up, new commands and redundancy programs took over and the robe had a lesser effect.

For a brief moment, I became a reformed character who’d speak only in the way of the light. My reinvention was a final and desperate plea to the universe to deal with all past mischiefs and to show everyone I’d really changed. But this time, for the better.

Setting Camouflage to Max-Light

My massive leap into the Counterculture was one of the most uncomfortable times in life. Yet I felt I had no choice as a built-in emergency system below took over and made me follow everything thru.

It was so annoying because ‘above’ or ‘near the surface’, I had trouble squeezing into the new me while the old one wouldn’t completely free up.

I couldn’t find myself! My real self. My authentic self. If such exists.

Lee, where are you? Do you even exist? Or are you now 3 parts the old and 7 parts the new?

Talk about confusing times…

So my desire or habit of scanning for different ways to manipulate and get back to business in the pretend new purified me was up. I could pull things off for a short while and speak the light. But I would soon need a devilish release of some sort on the low to get me thru.

I was stuck in limbo, in between the dead and living realms.

Plus, since I felt I was being watched at every moment by god almighty himself or a panel of them, I would try my hardest to shape and appease this overwhelming guilt.

But, ‘Make it go away!’ was the ultimate demand in my hidden frustration.

Luckily, I got my approval from the people around me to help create the space needed while dealing with serious background problems that required significant energy.

When under stress and duress, get redressed and then have a rest. If that’s what it takes to get out of a pickle…

So it didn’t take long to realise that the light is especially good for a little timeout.

The Dark Chameleon
ChameLeeon – Special Infiltration Setting: Quiet Vegan + Minimalist + People Pleaser (on the outside)

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