Before Taming Made Its Way Into My Life, I Was the Troublemaker (Semi-Hostile Entity)

Slightly Hostile Younger Lee
On my 19th Birthday (August ’98), I was convicted of hacking. It was the internet’s early wild-wild-west days and I couldn’t help myself. I was a seven parts explorer, three parts predator! Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) I wasn’t devious enough to know how to be shady without getting caught.

When I jump back a few years and glimpse further behind, I see a mind racing non-stop. A mind caught up in a network of self-made tricks. Well, I ought to be clear on defining the ‘self’ idea first and foremost. My genetic makeup, along with the mental hand-me-downs obtained from my environment, both make up the ‘self’ embodiment as far as I’m concerned. Looking back, I remember that I simply internalised what couldn’t be channelled smoothly from the inside to the outside. I had allowed pressure to build up to a point where it eventually got out of hand and became expressed as attachments and bad habits, forming both physical and psychological bonds.

Sugar and salt, along with other heavier metals from my environment, i.e., RoundUp, were just the start of my problems. Although, if you were to ask me now, I would say they are most people’s gateway to a life of problems.

But the line of increased psychological demands that soon followed on from these common and uncommon fuels inflaming my sensitivity spiralled life into some dangerous Level 1 Backward territory! I became attached, overly possessive and manipulative. Which not only made my life harder, but it also put a huge demand on those around me.

My behaviour and relationships in general always struggled for order at the roots as I lacked many essential things by this point. Particularly, I felt I missed out on an earlier understanding of myself, which I suppose could have made a solid base or foundation for me to work with and move from. I was also unaware of any sensitivity challenges since I assumed everyone thought along the same lines and within the same scope. Or at least that behind the scenes, I figured… we all got lost in our ‘other worlds’ that we have to keep separate from everyone else.

So with such a primary aspect out of whack and no reliable guidance to accommodate my odd condition, my reward and punishment system was inevitably doomed right from the start. Or it had only a slim chance for any meaningful order to come in and create some semblance of normality

Your Typical Fertiliser but on a Slightly Odd Plant

In fact, before I reached double digits, I latched onto whatever forms of stimulation I could find in both far fetched ideas and refined sugars and foods. I absolutely LOVED loading up on anything eruptive from day one, which is how my world exploded from all the backward activity that followed. It meant loading up on Level 1’s backward way of unnecessary thinking and complication, to be exact. Only after the chaos many years on was I able to open up a Level 2 backward flow, which thankfully, is the much better version out of the two that fits my mind.

You see, once that sweet combination of sugars, salt and heavier metals heated up and bubbled away upstairs (aka ‘the starter’), more time was the only missing ingredient needed for the Real Big Bang to occur. In time I would step it up and head straight for the good stuff, creating the best volatile environment imagined. Or at least one that I was only just able to recover from so I could come back and explain it all in a silly way.

Unfortunately, not only did these results end up shattering my life into pieces down the track, but I also got locked into an intellectual war with the outskirts of reality that is super hard to explain, making the pieces nearly impossible to put back together.

I perceived myself in an odd relationship with another level of the community bordering outside the conventional world. I also percieved that they had a very different set of rules!

An Undisciplined Highly Sensitive Mind is a noisy place that thrives on above-average fragmentation — double, triple, quadruple lives, etc. I react to a larger field of reality and quite often from things outside rationales.

Over time, my sensors shape as wave after wave of data/stimulation creates a rift, increasing the pressures on my mind while pushing me further and further away from conventional reality.

The reality is, I live in an unreality comprised of both compounded Raw Static that I overthink in or try to decipher AND my demanding sensors that routinely keep me escaping my problems.


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