When I jump back a few years and glimpse further behind, I see a mind racing non-stop. A mind caught up in a network of self-made tricks. Though I suppose my genetic and mental hand-me-downs both make up the ‘self’ embodiment. What couldn’t be channelled smoothly from the inside out, I would internalise, build up and it eventually express as attachments and bad habits in both physical and psychological bonds.
Sugar and salt, along with other heavier metals from my environment, i.e., RoundUp, were just the start of my problems. Although, there are most people’s gateway to a life of problems if you were to ask me.
But the line of increased psychological demands that soon followed on from these common and uncommon fuels inflaming my sensitivity spiralled life into dangerous Level 1 Backwardness! I became attached, overly possessive and manipulative. Which not only made my life harder, but it also put a huge demand on those around me.
My behaviour and relationships in general always struggled for order at the roots as I lacked many essential things. Particularly, I missed out on an earlier understanding of myself, which could have made a solid base or foundation years ago. I was unaware of any sensitivity challenges since I assumed all of us thought along the same lines and within the same scope. Or at least that behind the scenes, we all got lost in our ‘other worlds’ that we kept separate.
So with such a primary aspect out of whack and no reliable guidance to accommodate my condition, my reward and punishment system was inevitably doomed before it began. Or it had only a bare chance for quality order to nourish the scene.
Your Typical Fertiliser but on a Slightly Odd Plant
In fact, before I reached double digits, I latched onto whatever forms of stimulation I could find in both far fetched ideas and refined sugars and foods. I absolutely LOVED loading up on anything eruptive from day one, which is how my backwards world evolved. First, I loaded up in Level 1. Then only after the chaos many years later was I able to see the second level.
Once that sweet combination heated up and bubbled away upstairs (aka the starter), more time was the only missing ingredient needed for the Real Big Bang to occur. In time, I would step it up and head straight for the good stuff creating the best volatile environment ever so desired. Or at least one that I was only just able to return from.
Next, not only did these results end up shattering my life into tinier pieces down the track, but I also got locked into an intellectual war with the outskirts of reality that is super hard to explain.
I had to deal with a broader community with a different set of rules!
The reality is, I live in an unreality from both compounded raw static that I overthink in or try to decipher AND my demanding sensors that keep me escaping my problems.