Mmm, unfortunately, my background influences don’t help out every time.
In fact, during any typical segment, my panel of friends & foes, plaintiffs & defendants, husband & wife, and any other past polarised-characters are all known to get a little too comfortable when in session and would often drift off-topic.
Within moments, the tide changes and everyone starts talking crap to one another just like the guys sitting on Sports and Politics, do.
Stuck in backward ways from yesterday, a range of preconceptions, superficial judgements, plus any unforgotten grudges, nudges and dramatisations, things naturally heat up fast.
Next, as I think about moving one way to deal with an issue or to escape whatever’s confronting, I would hear ALL ABOUT IT from a voice on the right. Perhaps, an old neighbour or an elderly friend who’s qualities or habits speak thru me.
Then, upon realigning myself to meet that position, up comes another form of resistance. This time, they are telling me to get back on track or go another way, by expressing some other piece of background — alleged support or reasonable opinion.
So, all day and every day I’m seconding guessing my moves while this panel boils up and turns trivia into the Great Internal Debate.
Tell me, how can anyone go forward when heated exchanges continually fly back and forth by a gang of split personalities? Or better yet, how do I switch off from the hindrances at least on the extreme?
The reality… I can’t or won’t and reinforce my problems instead.
Hence I’m a totally DIVIDED UP and CONSUMED person letting life slip by.
Then GET OFF the Battlefield!
Um, if only it were that easy to stop the chatter. I obviously love battling myself; I’m addicted to chatter.
So with all these conflicting/opposing ideas and ideals flying around the tabletop, this clutter ends up shifting my panel away from an instrumental role meant to keep me safe and optimal.
Any judgements, mistakes, opinions, fears, desperations, ignorances, jealousy’s, shame’s, envies, and also any short-lived spikes of desire and pleasure from previous 1-upping (in stale ego trophies), these all now rush in, take over and condense into what I call, a ‘mind’, as increased pressure and heat.
And the only reason why I went on to observe these reactions at the greater depth in recent times is that I finally noticed a circus taking over the town. Previous lifelong attempts to stabilise within the panel only threw it back-out moments later. You see if I hadn’t of watched at this broader level, then I’d still be partaking between each commentator, caught up in their draining ways.
Tv, Radio, Internet, it made no difference, it was all the same. I’d stay talking garbage with myself and barely moved productively in the real world if at all, back in the day.
Therefore, my only reliable line of defence was that I step back a notch and watch the panel, instead of continuing inside the panel. Which, thereby removed me from a majority of the drama and a few steps away from each character. Although, notably at first, I could only pull this off for a moment or so because the shift from the dimension (out of the panel and into head office) felt foreign, unusual.
But after a while of drifting to-and-from and in-and-out, things soon settled down, and I gradually increased my distance from these silly characters. Or at least away from the chatter that served little purpose.