Instead of fixing, I now can’t help but look at each fixer on my panel as they pop up. From watching the entire show unravel, I have released my fixation on fixing.
So yeah, I used to try and fix everything about me. But not anymore, or in the traditional sense.
Once realising that the fixer/s were broken, and he/she/they couldn’t fix a flat tyre is when the real help arrived in life. Besides using common sense when needed (which thankfully did come from the panel), as for the more complicated processes that involved overthinking, like when things heated up, I took the backseat approach.
In essence, I knew that some space away from the chatter had to be my best bet. Surely, a silence would deliver the least problems out of all of my options, especially after considering my odd type of mind and its sensitivity. Also, regardless of how magnetic or aiding-like my panel’s strength was or claimed to be.
Or, I would now move anyway, except for the ways I had always moved in the status quo, by simply not continuing my usual shenanigans and saving power instead.
Yet my issue’s probably weren’t too complex to begin. But for some reason, I made them that way by chattering on and on and on, eventually moving my ideas off-topic in this self-made profession: i.e., my inner constructive talk that soon turned to smack talk!
Given all these points today, I finally see and understand how I had rationalised heavier and heavier idling over the years.
I fell in love with and became addicted to… complicating the life out of simple.
The fact is, I have been trying to fix myself for a long time by becoming better from idea’s handed down off everyone (the ideal-hand-me-downs). Unaware of all the hidden processes tying things up in the background, I naturally met resistance. Therefore I was bound to hit a tipping point sooner or later, which is why I finally got over it and decided to report to you today.
Now truly realising… yep, I’m never going to become better. It’s a handicap! Any ideal of better is always this huge leap into complex-chained-thought. Which funnily enough, actually made me feel a lot better, and I started getting better in my reality. 😌
And Then, Guess What?
My dismissive attitude then went on to lay the foundation to NEVER AGAIN CARE about becoming better anymore because it was nonsense! Which consequently and thankfully, opened up space and gave room for my cluttered-psyche to slow down.
Now what an inspiration!
You see, I actually didn’t need any more of anything to improve myself. Again. If anything, I needed less…
By throwing in the towel and not worrying about this becoming-better ideal drilled in earlier, I gradually stretched out in the real world. I was able to reduce the bulk of my baggage in both negative and positive spikes that hammered my system from the panel. For example, I used to feel a strong sense of unworthiness on the one end to then projecting an unrealistic success that was a mile away on the other. So the distance between these opposites became manageable for the first time.
Besides, in simple terms, what does becoming better mean?
- Is it an increase in productivity while decreasing my destructive traits?
- Is it a matter of organising and taming my social and cultural behaviour, so that I nourish my relationships?
- Or, is it all of the above plus create more compassion in my life? Have extra care with everything?
Sure, I would love all these qualities. Who on Earth wouldn’t? But my only success so far to get anywhere close to this in an outcome is after unwinding from heavier steps taken, not find better ones.
- Meaning ✔
- Unconventional ✔
- Commentators ✔