I Understand the Complex & React Simply
Like everyone, I’m a creature of habit. My programs are made of past influences that are now ingrained within me. These snippets of information have naturally encoded into my /psychological–conditioning/ mental folder and a refined version subfolder clearly shows up on my desktop or frontend display for the majority of people to see. However, the unrefined version, or the totality of my conditioning, definitely needs to stay hidden as there are still a few heavy or spammy programs I prefer people not to see.
To this day, I continue to latch onto various inputs of stimuli and my attention shifts between each state of mind as I regularly feel the appeal quality fluctuate.
Unfortunately, by the time I reach a high from desiring, I begin changing course. Soon, I hit pockets of resistance/repulsion thru the ‘general fear of things’ on the opposite side of the appeal — aka the undesirable field.
Also, in terms of days; i.e., today, yesterday, and tomorrow, these widely used synchronised human linear programs fluctuate more so than other words stored in my repository because of the desire and its opposite tied in with them.
For example, “I have to see such and such on Tuesday, today, or tomorrow”, which ties up desire’s energy in either a good or bad felt way. Or simply, “I can’t wait to try the new such and such on Friday, today, or tomorrow”, which ties up desire’s energy in only the good felt way. Mind you… This is all while the other days may be encumbered with the bad felt ways of undesired attention since I’m focussed on that one particular day. Therefore, either way, I can’t help but live a life controlled by fluctuating positive or negative desire demands via these things called days.
Becoming Aware of My Desiring
As I glimpse back at the old track record with far greater energy than in previous years, it says it all. I more than thrived off psychological stimuli (mental theatrics made of illusions & drama), let alone all the physical fruits or goodies that I’d regularly add on top (the boosters kept in my cabinet, pantry or cupboard).
But for the first time ever, I’m now aware of my cravings that jump up fast. I also notice how easy it is to allow myself to keep running an open bar on these invisible mindly wonders, as well as the visible ones — aka physical stimulants. Yet I thankfully drop the bulk of those cravings, so I don’t get as stung by the opposite, negative blowback like I always had before. You see, that’s how the discipline works for me by clearly seeing the consequences.
I Was After More & More ‘Desirable’ Sensation Only as Time Went On!
Having said that, I also no longer fiercely fight AGAINST my desires either, since learning of the full spectrum of effects that come with the poles that link ‘undesired attention’ with ‘desired attention’.
I’m now more conscious of responding in BOTH ways, in the pushing away and the pulling in of whatever is inside my desires; i.e., the objects and symbols of my desire.
I’m No Longer Too Demanding, or Suppressive, Which Is Where Things Looped, Causing Tension
That’s right! I ultimately found that too much ‘suppressing my conditioned desires’ caused a stronger demand and I led a double life by eventually ‘succumbing to greater desires’, thereby over-indulging on the low if that makes sense. In turn, this ate away at my space again, and I soon felt compelled to re-suppress my desires from all the guilt. So the whole damn thing sent me loopy!
If life loops between desirable & undesirable episodes, it only makes sense to minimise or optimise this life process by using a stronger approach in order to free myself!
So I thank God for the middle ground I’m at today. Plus, I think of myself as somewhat of a Bipolar Expert who clearly shows that the counterforce of desire also carries a cost.
When it now comes to feeding my inner devil, he’s on a much lighter and healthier portion (thank God for that), rather than being cut off completely. My success arrived only by understanding these packaged opposites and watching it all play out. Not to deny one side, the undesirable field, while expecting an open tab on the other, the desirable field.