End of the Line

People often asked… How the heck did you make it back from such a wrecked state of being?

“I decided one day I was going to change.” No, that’s a load of BS. But, it was the easiest and most convenient answer to give at the time.

Truth is, I only made it back after I turned down a lucrative offer from the darker forces in our world in early 2013, which also messed with my head because it was really an ultimatum. It was one of the weirdest days of my life, to say the least. I definitely didn’t anticipate a secret meeting to play out which occurred on the Gold Coast (my home), in Australia. That’s what happens when you neglectfully let a tricky trojan penetrate your sphere of influence.

Long story short, I left a mess behind within the ranks of Law Enforcement or Domestic Security back in 2010. No, I wasn’t a police officer or anything of the sorts. I was definitely on the other end of the book. You could say that I piled up a lot of criminal debt over many years, then I looked for a way to bankrupt myself or shift the mess elsewhere in desperation of a fresh start, which ended up stirring the pot in my corner of the world.

Unfortunately, I ran myself into the ground over a long period of time by simply not looking after myself or my community, being extremely selfish in my ways. What can I say? Other than… I was corrupt and surrounded myself with the like-minded. But in my defence, it was the way things were back then, or at least it was in my world. Every third or fourth person I came into contact with was running a shortcut. So what did I do? I amalgamated with them, like heavy metals naturally do.

At one stage, I broke the law every five minutes across different states which made me feel powerful for a moment. But then it was always followed by a strong sense of guilt & regret. You know… “I’m the KING of the underground!” (which was nonsense because I was actually far, far from it) followed by “I’ve gotta stop this crap once and for all because I’m better than this.” You know… “Tomorrow I will change into a new person!” It was the “You wait & see…” bs attitude used to help people like me get to sleep at night. Therefore, I travelled from one end of the spectrum to the other most of my life. Though I’ve now realised that if one is not pure evil (or a good part evil) while living this way, this inner conflict will continue to plague the mind and any business model attached to it.

Coming back… Towards the end of this era of corruption things started to not feel right for me, far more than usual, which seriously affected my mood and disrupted my flow in daily life (which was totally clunky, in hindsight). This was when I truly realised that I was at the end of my road and that something seriously bad was about to happen. Without a doubt, it was my first real psychic success amongst the chaos. Being shady for so long meant that I also drew in many other shady influences, thus causing overall darkness within and around my being, inviting in the tricky trojans if that makes sense.

Although there was a hint of light involved, which thankfully illuminated more and more from this point on, the darkness wasn’t going to go away any time soon. From then till now, I’ve seriously had to crawl my way back on all fours to the land of light (or one with more light). And to be fair in my transparent approach, I was also addicted to Xanax at the time which is a kick-ass, highly addictive anti-anxiety drug that creates temporary annexation on demand. Therefore, being out of touch with reality, it can easily play tricks on the mind. Not knowing real from unreal made it all the harder to choose a path that would lead me back to a normal life once more.

With too much going on, and a deeper feeling of dire consequences about to come back and bite from years of thinking I was getting away with everything, I decided to pull the pin on this lifestyle using whatever methods I could. Therefore, I dug deep-deep to get myself out. With a bit of research, I began toying with my state’s Corruption Watchdog who were the official ‘checks & balances’ for institutions within the community. After seeing a friend deal with them and getting rewarded (now an ex-friend), I thought I’d also get their attention, but only for a fresh start. Long story short, my way was a little different. I threw a spanner in the works by voluntarily spilling the beans on myself, first and foremost. Not once, but a couple of times (spanner), as the first time didn’t really work out too well.

In order to help disperse the darkness around me, being tied in with a powerful hidden community operating in the background (or at least that was my perception of things), I had to make the self-sacrifice first by clearly putting myself on the chopping board before any real pressure or kinetic energy was applied my way. Weirdly, it was an all-in approach that I would later learn was perfect timing as there was probably something else installed for me just around the corner. That is, if I had not captured the attention of the Watchdog at the perfect time in the aim of my redemption.

Exposing Hidden Elements Literally Made Me Sick!

In over my head, I fell nightmarishly ill in early 2010 — deservingly, because of the choices I made spanning over a lifetime that called for it. In a nutshell, I was doped up on the low for toying around. But in hindsight, it was far better than the ‘something else installed for me…’, I must admit. Yet I also felt that I wasn’t supposed to make it back to sanity from what was nothing short of an ‘unholy war’ raging in my mind.

Boom! I landed in a Psych Ward for the first time with mental problems that packed an almighty punch I certainly wasn’t ready for. Sure, I knew I was ‘out-there’ on occasions in life, but this was next level shit I wasn’t used to. I wasn’t used to being surrounded by unstable people all the time. Sneaky people, yes — all-day long… But not unstable. Also, during the nightmare, I got the feeling that a couple of my watchers wanted me buried even deeper — fully institutionalised and never to come back for causing a stir. On the books, it’s a simple case of drug-induced paranoia.

In 2010, I was in bad shape. Not only could I barely put my words together over a number of months following the episode, but I also found it hard to follow a straight line. Simply existing in this state was tough enough!

Though somehow, I managed to crawl my way out of this hole over the years by sweating out these crippling toxins, taking the pure route, one could say. And none of this was ever to be spoken of because it all came from the black top-shelf! (Aka the shelf that doesn’t exist from the lab that doesn’t exist.) Needless to say, the fact I couldn’t speak of the number one issue affecting my life second by second made this ordeal the biggest and most frustrating challenge ever! Hence, the meditative carnage on the inside that has been delivering a steady flow of sweet revenge, and the disturbing angelic alter ego on the outside that moves me in the opposite direction with the aim of one day using this power to realise a dream. (Needless to say, figuratively, not literally.)

Admittedly, although my lighter side turned vegan in an attempt to tread lighter on this planet, my darker side saw it differently. It saw the opportunity to save up my slaughter credits which would normally get spent on animals, in case they needed to be spent on humans instead. I figured… There has to be an order involved here to work with the Universe — ‘x’ amount of animals not on my plate will compensate for ‘1’ human on my plate.

So…

Jump to 2013 and the word was… I made a dent in the system over a lengthy investigation and comfortable people were now getting edgy about it. Apparently, there was an uptight division going on in the background of my community because I was still putting my nose where it didn’t belong (except it was in much cleaner condition this time). Therefore, “It’s time for you to go,” was the topic of our conversation on this day. Bottom line… I was told that it would be in my very best interest to pack my bags and get out of Australia asap. And for what? This commotion was all over a mismanaged trait that I felt cursed with at birth, i.e., putting my nose where it didn’t belong!

Within moments of learning this and finally having a real conversation about my issues for once, a rush of thoughts crippled me with fear. Well, my mind flickered back and forth a few times to a state of nostalgia, but soon got stuck on fear because I knew what was being spelt on either end of my choice. I suddenly began to feel quite vulnerable in the very seat I was sitting in. You see, I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders that day (uncertainty, insecurity) and the feeling stayed with me for many years to come. In fact, the moment I left this meeting, I couldn’t step into a normal way of life ever again. I couldn’t take any step without looking around for dangers.

Not only did everything change as my system went haywire, but I also found it hard to control my reactions, so everything stayed on the low in my personal life. Luckily, however, desperate times call for desperate measures, and a divine intervention took over with the words “Shut up & Stay Quiet!” repeatedly spilling across my mind. This was when another controller seriously hit the scene and bunkered down in the centre of my psyche. It was a new inner voice (raised from somewhere) who was perhaps my only real saviour in this ordeal.

Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep the most prominent issues of your life to yourself for years? Issues that are obviously rattling your psyche but you need to blame it on something else? Fortunately, that is when my life’s clandestine skills came into play keeping me above board (Ironic, right?). I had definitely bitten off more than I could chew. Untangling myself from this web was now up to me and this ridiculously serious voice taking over my head.

“I’m doomed”, I also remember eerily thinking… I just got myself out of one type of crazy, only to wind up in another type of crazy by internalising everything at full freakin’ speed. How the hell am I going to deal with all this? For instance, someone close would say… “Lee, why are you acting up? Why are you so anxious?” And I would have to say some sort of lie to explain why I couldn’t talk properly while I was also clearly sweating it out. It was a tough but very deserved time that felt like it went on forever.

Again, luckily, and I mean LUCKILY, this inner voice aimed my attention on different things and changed my behaviour, both short & long term, as nothing else in my life could. From all of my experiences (both the good & bad times), including all the nosying around up until this point, it became a tipping point for greener pastures. A new guidance system activated and took my life in another direction, which is why this site is here (Welcome to the Mindless Life 2.0). Otherwise, I would be in a much worse off state today. Believe that! Now, do you see why the name ‘Mindless’ is perfect?

Wait up… You are probably wondering how a few words on a random day can possibly control my life?

Ok, they did come with a few more… (there’s always more!)

Basically, I was given a billion reasons to pack my bag that week and move offshore, far out of the reach of the Authorities. As crazy as it sounds, I took it seriously because of everything that led up to this day.

“Pick a place with minimal infrastructure and funds will be arranged for you on the other end. Lee, you need to do this because your very existence is creating problems for us on the books.” Also, “The system doesn’t like to be broken,” which was a memorable quote said on that day. “On top, the house is willing to credit you a small number of revenge chips to use on your past down the track, once you do the right thing and this mess is cleaned up. Whatever bad blood you have with anyone, we can help you by making them pay, slowly and painfully.”

But wait… there was more enticement (excluding the slowly and painfully part), including talk of Life Extension Technology.

“As an added bonus that comes with staying well-managed on the Darkside, you may possibly gain access to the latest Life Extension Technology reserved for only a small group of people.” I couldn’t help but take this seriously as well, based on my experiences. Yet after a good think about what this could really entail over the years, I realised that there might be a few hidden surprises tied up in it as well. (Do you see what I mean? I can’t stop putting my God-forsaken nose into things…)

None of it ended up mattering anyway at the deeper level because it was all too much for me and had messed with my head. When the follow-up phone call came in the next day, I said the answer is no, so don’t call me again. Straight away, I was buckled in fear with ongoing nervous breakdowns because I didn’t know what this had spelt for myself and the people I care about. And yeah, there were a few nudges to try and get me to change my mind along the way, but something else inside me had its own plan.

A punishment of continuously ‘vetting my surroundings’ took over my life from 2013, taking copious amounts of energy. No matter where I walked from this point on, I was tiptoeing in somebody else’s house as far as my mind was concerned.

But how could I take such out-there ideas so seriously?

I was primed with information that could only come from the intelligence community. They knew exactly what buttons to press, and they were pressed. Otherwise, this would have been done and dusted by now, and I wouldn’t have massive pressure building on the left side of my head, neck and shoulders to this day. (I wish I could blame the Xanax and other drugs.)

Why the left side in particular?

I still don’t know why most of the pressure moved to my left side. There were unusual fluctuations of biochemical and neurochemical activity over the years that did their own thing. I call it the ‘left-sided anger cells’ that have taken over my life. Well, something is annoying me on the left side of my head and neck from too much overthinking (vetting my surroundings, projecting all sorts of drama along with making other plans to deal with people).

I’ve chosen not to see a Doctor because he needs a story to go with it. Yeah, right. Let’s see… “Doc, this is what’s happened, and I’ve been bouncing between extreme fear and genocidal rage daily for years. By the way, here’s my black book. Be a sport and help me knock off a few of these names…”

How Do I See Everything Today?

People run their life from a fairly even perspective. I simply run mine from an odd perspective that has had a taste of pure insanity along the way.

Also, if it weren’t for my tendency to always scan ahead, perhaps I would’ve chosen another route and life would be far different for me today. Perhaps, I would have jumped on a plane and lined my back pocket, lived lavishly for a few blinks while also indulging in the bad blood of the past with my black book. Fortunately, I didn’t take that route of ending up in a much bigger hell.

What route am I on now?

Jump to now and I can happily tell you that I’ve earned my way back to freedom by making my own deal with the Universe. Thank God for that.

The Universe says that it’s now my house and that I need to keep looking after it the way I have been.