Coming back to my earlier rogue life… The fact was, deep down, I didn’t like where I was heading, but I had lost control of the ship. Luckily, though, only moments or metres away from entering a hell I sure wouldn’t have enjoyed staying in, something pulled me back up at the eleventh hour because it wanted me to have another go at life. Well, that’s the only sense I can make of it. All in all, I was taught a really good lesson to not mess with the underground ever again from feeling the heat. Or, if I did, I was to take it above ground in future which I now know is much better for everyone’s sake.
Welcome to The Mindless Life (v2.0)
Next, and after a good hard think about everything on the long journey back to my comfortable earth that I’m now grateful for, I’d try to make up with life by donning this well-designed robe made of angelic light I’d heard all about. Here, I would start and continue reforming myself, deeply-reflecting, as ‘I thought’ these new spiritual-like intentions I had latched onto were all-righteous and would fix everything.
But in the midst of renewing and purifying the darker elements hidden in the background, the new outfit that was supposed to change my life forever started fading or losing its light. Instead, as time went on, I got the sense of a new, strong tone of grey seeping through as reality untimately got under my skin. I think by adding too much lightness to my darkness in a very short amount of time, something really messed with my head which reinforced a ‘grey area’ that I now call life. If that makes sense.
I often asked myself during this time “Was I after a revolution or transformation from my old ways, wholeheartedly?” And in my desperation, I clearly wanted a fundamental change to occur. However, it might have been the only way I could get my sense of certainty and security to return to the same level of when I was a kid, which really trumped everything as this was my main goal. Not only that, but I was also running off years of both guilt and anger, along with terrible programming from my environment that weighed heavily on my shoulders. Hence, the dark-to-very-weird grey, unconventional transformation that took place in my life.
I remember a time when the cover of light was the only thing that I felt could have saved me. Believe me, I am truly grateful for my lifeline at the time, or my perception of it, which was the only element that brought comfort to my troubled mind. However, since my main issues kept bugging me in the background, and I couldn’t defuse them once and for all because they required more than one person sitting at the table, a fake illumination wasn’t going to last for long. This meant that below the bright robe was another entity downloading new commands and programs at a different level of reality so that I could eventually establish authority in my community.
Setting Camouflage to Maximum-Light (Lightest Grey Possible)
My massive leap into the Counterculture or Cancel-culture was one of the most uncomfortable times in life. Yet I felt I had no choice in the matter as a built-in emergency system took over and made me follow everything thru.
It was so annoying because, ‘above’ or ‘near the surface’, I had trouble squeezing into the new me since the old one wouldn’t let up. Which meant that I couldn’t find myself, my ‘real’ or ‘authentic’ self if such an entity really exists at all.
“Lee, where abouts are you? Where are you hiding back there? Do you even exist for real, or has something simply fragmented into 3 parts the old and 7 parts the new to deal with all the negative consequences?”
Talk about confusing existential times…
In essence, my desire and habit of scanning for different ways to manipulate and get back to business in the pretend new purified-me model was almost up. I could pull things off for a short while and speak with the filter of the light on board. But I would soon need a devilish release of some sort on the low to get me thru the harder times (which could be as little as cursing under my breath.)
I was stuck in limbo land, in between the dead and living realms.
Plus, since I felt I was being watched at every moment by God almighty himself, or a sitting panel of supreme beings, I would try my hardest to shape and appease this overwhelming guilt.
But, ‘Make it all go away!’ was the ultimate demand pressing through my hidden frustration.
Luckily, though, I got my approval from the people around me which helped create the space I needed while dealing with serious background problems that required significant energy.
When under stress and duress, get redressed and then have a rest. If that’s what it takes to get out of the pickle you’re in.
So it didn’t take long to realise that the light is especially good for a little, much-needed timeout from the front lines. But it wasn’t a permanent solution. As the old saying goes, it’s a nice place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live there.