My Dysfunctional Relationship with Pleasure

Today, I say with confidence that I’m no longer ruled by my taste-buds as much since learning more about this pleasure business and ‘busyness’. Whereas, back in the day, my relationship with pleasure wasn’t healthy or strong at all. In fact, it got to the point of being so dysfunctional and destructive in nature that I didn’t care about anything except reentering a state of mind that kept me far away from the dreaded reality.

Although fully aware of my mistakes in hindsight, little did I know previously of the trap I had fallen into from a needy mind always wanting more of the one type of sensation only. It would always want to change back and maintain its desired state away from anything monotonous or beyond the realm of pleasure until reality had its way.

Unquestionably, I lacked discipline and wouldn’t end my hunt for repeat positivity as crucial psychological space wasn’t understood properly. When dealing with internal pleasure, I didn’t know of the finer details involved in ‘contrasting my thoughts’ to help replenish my psychological system and make it run smoothly. Instead, I dedicated my life as a full-time speculator or imaginator, squeezing my thoughts hard for a taste I couldn’t get elsewhere. Except when it came to external pleasure, or the physical sweets that I would also make a mess in, which naturally impacted my state of mind in a more tangible way (stimulants and drugs).

Yeah, I took in harsh chemicals, delving into dangerous synthetics as an almost perfect escape from a reality I couldn’t find my place in. With the right combination, I latched onto a temporary peace and comfort that was difficult to detach from, simply because I didn’t want to as she was my ‘one and only’. It goes to show that I was destined from the beginning to experience life as a zombie, since allowing idiotic ideas to settle in. Or from letting the power of unrealistic goals hover too close in front of me. What I needed was either MORE stick or LESS carrot to make a better life for myself.

How Did Things Get So South?

As I said, I had no place in this world, no solid base which would have allowed me to move forward. So naturally, I’d always try jumping straight to the top of everything that appeared easy (take life’s elevator instead of the staircase), making it mine for good. I wanted to secure my existence with free unlimited energy like everyone else who gets caught up in the pleasure trap.

Except the issue was, each attempt at conquest was too untamed and never held any potential to succeed. Unfortunately, I always had a hassle of bouncing to and from severely opposing states in my mind. I was unable to control the changes of scenery and kept getting pulled away from the field I wanted to absorb forever.

The idea was, “I was to have my cake and eat it too while getting the next one ready.” But reality kept taking it back off me.