So rather than I continue with the usual happy, refined story TEMP FIXING the original sad or angry previous chapter, my new approach instead was to let it all play out anyway. Why? I’m programmed and I couldn’t stop it even if I tried. I have realised that trying to stop a life-long trait is only feeding/fuelling that trait, helping it to grow stronger. Whereas, understanding a life-long trait is something significantly different.
So this time, under a new light, I could clearly see these total thought movements of mine in action.
With greater awareness than ever before, I automatically watch my sensors SPIKE with each signal hitting in both directions up and down sending me into different modes, moods and states (frenzies).
By overseeing the full spectrum of sensations derived from each fragment, story or state, my screws ultimately tightened on their own or from another level, and I slowly got my power back. I returned to sanity when most wouldn’t get close.
Furthermore, I haven’t entirely disregarded traditional psychology and mindfulness. If anything, I’ve reformed and strengthened these aspects to suit my particular cogs. I have tweaked myself and adapted into what I feel the General Mind had missed or overlooked.
Think about a mind having complete oversight and seeing every exquisite detail, i.e., seeing my idling up close or my polarised conditioning which are the psychological actions and reactions that move in either direction. Plus, it includes any further activities that follow on and on in the semi-background…, i.e., these are the programmed movements that we take for granted in life and often miss at the conscious level.
Let’s just call it all our annoying human byproduct that won’t stop causing us problems!
Although it sounds tedious to stay in contact with each mental process at every moment, there is really no going back once I’m activated. Typically at first, I will condemn myself over and over for traits I don’t like seeing up close. Like a yoyo, I’ll fly up and down, left, right and around sparking all types of responses, emotions and frustrations. But as time goes on the force slowly and naturally subsides, and I find my way to steady ground.
Most quirks and idiosyncrasies brought to my attention don’t register the way that they used to anymore because I’m now aware that I’m simply one of many humans who do the same thing… I react according to my life exposures and these built-in bits and pieces.
Today, I don’t beat myself up as much over silly habits. I take things far less seriously.