So rather than I continue with the usual happy, refined story temporarily fixing the original sad or angry previous chapter, my new approach instead was to let it all play out anyway without taking any of it too seriously. Why? I’m programmed and I couldn’t stop these processes even if I tried, including the part where I take things seriously. I have realised that trying to stop a life-long trait is only feeding/fuelling that trait, helping it to grow stronger. Whereas, understanding a life-long trait by giving it my fullest attention is something fundamentally different.
This time, under a new light, I could clearly see these total thought movements of mine in action. With greater awareness than ever before, my sensors are now tuned in to the fluctuating signals that move me in either direction (up or down) which creates different modes, moods and states (occasionally a frenzy!).
By overseeing the full spectrum of sensations derived from each fragment or story within the mind, I was able to tighten my screws in a whole new way, and I slowly got my power back. Beating all the odds, I returned to sanity which brought forward a normal life (as normal as one can get).
Furthermore, I haven’t entirely disregarded traditional psychology and mindfulness. That obviously wouldn’t be practical. If anything, I’ve reformed and strengthened these programs to suit my particular cogs. I have tweaked myself and adapted into what I feel the General Mind had missed or overlooked when devising their philosophy.
Think about a mind having complete oversight and seeing every exquisite detail, i.e., seeing my idling up close which is an automatic non-stop thinking process. This includes observing my day-to-day psychological actions and reactions that move in either direction based on my exposure with life and everyone I come into contact with. Today, I see all of my background processes that were once taken for granted in life since they operated just below the conscious level. That is, until they got lit up!
Let’s call the totality of our mental activity — Noise.
The noise in our lives is both a human product & byproduct all rolled into one. Unfortunately, there’s no stopping it. The more you try to stop it with conscious force while on this bi-polar planet the louder it gets (at some point or another). This is why it takes another approach to minimise the byproduct side of it.
Although it sounds tedious to stay in contact with each mental process at every moment, especially regarding the ones we would normally miss hidden well below the conscious layer, there is really no going back once I’m activated. Typically at first, I will condemn myself over and over for traits I don’t like seeing up close. Like a yoyo, I’ll fly up and down, left, right and around sparking all types of responses, emotions and frustrations. But as time goes on, fortunately, the noise slowly and naturally subsides and I find my way to steady ground.
Most quirks and idiosyncrasies brought to my fullest attention don’t emotionally register the way that they used to anymore because I’m now aware that I’m simply one of many humans who do the same thing… I react according to my life exposures and these built-in bits and pieces.
In other words… Today, I don’t beat myself up as much over silly habits. I take things far less seriously.