When I jump back a few years and glimpse further behind, I see a mind racing non-stop. A mind caught up in a network of self-made tricks (blended in with the hande-me-downs). What I couldn’t channel smoothly from the inside out, would internalise, build up and eventually express as attachments and bad habits in both physical and psychological bonds.
Sugar and salt, along with other heavier metals from my environment (I.e. RoundUp), were just the start of my problems. Although, is also most peoples gateway to begin, if you were to ask me.
But the line of increased psychological demands that soon followed on from these common and uncommon fuels inflaming my sensitivity spiralled life into dangerous Level 1 Backwardness! I became attached, overly possessive and manipulative. Which, not only made my life harder but also put a huge demand on those around me.
My relationships and behaviour, in general, always struggled for order at the roots as I lacked in many essential things. Mainly, an important understanding of myself which would’ve made a good start! I was unaware of any sensitivity challenges since I assumed all of us thought along the same lines and within the same scope. Or at least that behind the scenes, we all got lost in our ‘other worlds’ but kept it separate; to ourselves.
So with such a primary aspect out of whack and no solid guidance to accommodate this condition, my reward and punishment system was inevitably doomed before it began. Or, barely had any real chance for quality to nourish the scene earlier.
Your Typical Fertiliser but on a Slightly Odd Plant
In fact, before I reached double digits, I’d latch onto whatever forms of stimulation I could find in both far fetched ideas and refined sugars and foods. I LOVED loading up on anything eruptive from day one, which is how my Backward World grew. First, level 1. Then 2.
Once that sweet combination heated and bubbled away (aka, the starter), more time was the only missing ingredient needed for the Real Big Bang to occur. In time, I’d step it up and head straight for the good stuff, creating the best volatile environment ever so desired. Or at least one you can come back from.
Next, not only did these results end up shattering my life into tinier pieces down the track, but I also got locked into an intellectual war with the outskirts of reality that is super hard to explain.
I had to deal with a broader community with a different set of rules that sucked!
The reality is, I live in an unreality from both compounded raw static that I overthink in or try to decipher AND my demanding sensors I routinely escape into (the lighter fragments).