I could explain the many segments, clusters, and zones I live in with each landlord or governor, justifying their existence upon each visit. But I won’t because it’ll take too long and sound too neurotic. Instead, to keep things simple, I’ll stick with unravelling the two categories from the polar extremes.
The governors in my head can be both stubborn and over-emotional even at the best of times. So for now, I’ll step away from them as much as I can. Instead, I’ll only report on the distinct negative and positive fluctuations that are miles apart. Yet sometimes they can be closer than I think, as I can jump from one mood to the next, entering a new scene with little to no effort.
First, there are my heavier fragments, and these contain higher than usual pressures and stress. As psychological comforting space retreats from a previous escape and I’m left too close to my problem or challenge again, or if something from the outside pounces in by surprise, my thinking goes into overdrive and things heat up fast.
But as usual, rather than deal with my issues by staying in direct contact with them, I’m conditioned to re-escape shortly after and worry about them later. I bank on my ‘ignorance’ adding a decent-sized buffer to keep me safe from any immediate harm.
The ‘Later Loop’ Explained
Only after intense crawling thru the mind-mud, where time feels amplified, irritable, and longer than usual, am I able to make my way over to shelter nestled on the other end, aka the Lighter Fragment Oasis. In my recycled relief, I added another cosy layer of Prime Real Estate Mental-Space around my centre to feel relaxed, and less constricted.
Retreating to a lite zone relievingly offers shielding from the harsher internal reality, or perceived painful world. And even though the loop is always only ever short-lived since I’d travel it multiple times an hour, if not minutes as I did in one shaky stage of my life, I’m just happy that for right now, I’m chilled. I’m moving freely without the perception of excess weight holding me down.
Whatever it was, I’ll deal with it later as I substitute the harsher scene with something softer instead.
Only by digging deeper into my issue was I able to find the motivation to reduce my overall stay in a sanctuary that served me so instantly and momentarily over the years (my lighter fragment frequent stopover). Otherwise, I’d still be there laying alongside the pool right now without this insight. I would keep returning to anything tranquil given half a chance.
Luckily, however, I found a rock-solid reason to end my escapism by uncovering the bigger bite behind ‘short term’. Short-term frequent stayovers locked me into a high interest repayment scheme that kept me in a debt I couldn’t afford.