The Driving Forces

There are forces that run my world and either push or pull on my awareness. Am I in control of anything? I like to think that I am.

During life I’m always moving (unless I’m in deep sleep), whether by role-playing inside my head or in actual movements thru my limbs. And, just as a car has an accelerator, clutch, gearbox and steering column, I too have components and systems working together with the aim of getting me from point A to point B.

Unfortunately, in my case, neither front or rear-wheel drive mattered. Moving forward, in general, became complicated once I hit a certain age. So I asked life “Why the extra challenge? Why out of the trillions and trillions of star systems, did I end up here with backward cogs?”

Or the bigger, more important question is “Who the hell dumped me, a left-handed, Highly Sensitive Mind, in the middle of a right-handed infestation?”

A kid with his kart
Simple days.

The Complex Drive

My attention isn’t the easiest thing to keep under control, as I’m sure most will appreciate considering the world we live in today. With a variety of forces pulling here, there and everywhere, I try my best to bring my awareness back and hold onto it firmly, so it can take in what’s plainly in front of me. Or, I get it to a place in close proximity where I think it should STAY in order to get the job done, whatever that may be at the time. Such discipline is essential if I’m to learn, work, focus, and interact with the world around me in any meaningful way.

Unfortunately, it’s the same old story, as my attention doesn’t always cooperate for long. You see, one moment it’s doing what I ask and staying fixated on something important. But in the next few moments, there it goes again. OFF, wandering into another forest of thinking as I’m no longer concerned about the track I had planned.

The thing is, I’m done toggling between Universes as I had for nearly my entire life. Instead, I want to give nature or MY FULL nature the helm so it can drive my reality efficiently and be more in control of where my life goes and how it unfolds. I don’t need weak fragments of myself that are unsure or make bad decisions, such as floating off into various distractions all the time, driving the ship anymore. Which begs the next question…

Why Are My Distractions so Powerful?

More specificially, “Why is the appeal quality or the feel-good chemicals in my brain fluctuating so rapidly between different things and aspects, like a stubborn habit that will not end or settle down? Because, whenever the lights do turn green for something far less productive but way more appealling (which was all the time), either towards entertainment, social networking, or the like, then all of a sudden my original plan goes straight out the window. What happens is my efforts transfer onto wasteful experiences as I rationalise the move with some random bogus excuse that helps justify deviating from my initial course.

Whatever productive thing it was consuming my attention, it doesn’t matter anymore. I’m now in another Universe that is LIGHT-YEARS away.

But again, it doesn’t stop here…

You see, once I’ve had enough of all one, two and three distractions, off I go into something else. My attention jumps on and on, eventually looping me back to the very start of the next hopeful run at my elusive task in this Universe. Which, furthermore, is usually when the guilt kicks in from having strayed in the first place from wasting so much time.

It’s the story of my life! I want to go one way, but my mind says… “Forget that! And look over here, instead.” While later, it’s followed on with… “Fool! You shouldn’t have listened to me. Now, how are we gonna fix this and get our wasted time back?”

My Driving Trio

After many tedious hours working this mess out, I’m finally onto something worthwhile. I discovered that the 3 big players responsible for channelling attention are ‘Desire’, ‘Willpower’ and ‘Focus’. Although they appear separate, I realised they must all be connected in some way and branch down together to the one root system. This is what I needed to uncover.

Next up is a layout describing the Complex and Simple nature of each player I’ve encountered. By clearly seeing the Complex, I have freed up space, thereby arriving at the Simple. And as a result, I’ve now knocked down or changed my most potent bad-habits to date.