As the ball of life rolled faster a second nature grew. I increasingly rationalised my out-of-bounds behaviour and shaped a massive ‘multiple sense of normal’ into my being, which wasn’t normal at all! Instead, it was a setting that allowed me to switch lightyears over and expand on other versions at will. But always only for so long.
During my peak, I formed into a delinquent organisation in a 90-10 split (that’s being generous!). I toggled between a number of seriously-abnormal-editions and 1.0, holding only a very few DISPLAY ITEMS out the front to keep my shop alive. So for a short part of my life, which also felt the longest, I lived in extreme fluctuation AND total contradiction until something had to give.
Had I of known of any bigger consequences to come from these smaller acceptances I embarked on earlier, I sure as hell would have spat most of it out if not all. However, it was only later when I’d realise… it takes just a sample introduction for the chemicals to make their mark or for the taste to set in. Which inevitably drew me in for more.
Load Me Up!
Back then, I was always told that this thing or aspect was no good for me, so don’t get caught up there! But for whatever reasons, that never stopped me in my tracks. Because the next time I found myself in the same or similar situation, near something I shouldn’t have been around, I kept thinking on and on and on. Until finally one day, my arm extended and I would quietly pick a small piece of the fruit from off the tree.
Recently, I learnt that my gradual involvement in naughty things was only allowed because I could justify the new intake from another version of me growing strong on the low.
I swear it wasn’t me, Your Honour… There was a big bad storm brewing that decade who made another ‘me’ out of me! A bad me!
Whether these informal or off-the-book introductions touched years, months, weeks or only days prior, it didn’t matter. Why? Because my new tastier fuels started fermenting behind the scenes. I was savouring a delightful environment that was ALWAYS going to change me in one way or another!
So It’s Only a Matter of Time…
It’s 100% a matter of time. ‘More time’ was the only missing ingredient needed for the floodgates to eventually open and allow the rest of the honey to pour down.
More time to think and rationalise. Which basically meant for my long run…
Not long till the crazy kicks in. Prepare to meet Mr Zombie…