My fears generally start from a relationship breakdown or challenge, which includes a lack of quality information or understanding, or it may start from a sudden surprise. Either way, any type of tension turns into fear-fuel for me to carry around.
Because I have felt the weight of fear in life, I now aim to avoid repeating these past steps by using whatever means necessary to optimise the system. That is, I am thoroughly learning all about the ‘fear system’ which I feel should have been a compulsory subject at school. If it was, I would have reduced my need to escape fear for short term relief.
Here’s how fear operates in my world:
From the original unpleasant experience that left a negative impression, along with the immense magnetism I also felt as ‘intense gravity’ weighing me down, when I see another closely related encounter ahead, these feelings come back and I naturally project on possibilities and probabilities at a much faster rate. My body becomes rigid and my heart speeds up fast as I work out what move comes next.
I run through many different scenarios to try and work my way thru the obstacle. However, depending on the intensity of my experience, I might end up avoiding the path to the resolution altogether. If it’s too much for me to handle and reality allows a postponement, new thoughts come in while the predicted scenario is set to occur on a later date. This is what I mean by escaping fear for short term relief.
Even at the beginning of a fear-fuelled instance, when I decide to sincerely resolve the issue with a ‘wholesome resolution’, if pressures mount too much, that idea can go straight out the window. Instead, desperation changes my tune and I abandon the unattainable quest for a long-term, non-fearful state of mind. I settle for soothing my mental pains with a short term hit of comfort foods and spacious, contrasting thoughts, which allows my fears to live-on. They only go dormant for a moment or two and soon flare back up.
The Negative Field Activation
In my mind, when I again face images, shapes, objects, colours or any mix of symbols, sounds and smells that were involved during the initial fearful experience or recording, I feel it in my gut and automatically search for formulas to make it go away. But unfortunately, once I hit a certain level or a compressed state of mind, I’ll run with anything that will cut it short. I’ll go with whatever it takes to help me keep my distance from undesirable pressure. Only then can I sanely figure it out once and for all, or so I think. The reality is, I never do sanely figure anything out, and so I slowly prepare for the next pressurised event in ignorance.
Today, I realise that if I don’t deal with fear directly or at least have a long term serious plan, I leave background processes open 24/7 drawing on my energy. And with the hard drive already full of junk as years of multiple threads and programs stack-up, this creates heavy idling in my general day-to-day life which weighs everything down.
How a Dormant Fear Comes Back to Life
If a symbol or sound pops up that even remotely corresponds with any of my backlog of fears, then the entire thread awakens its family tree of thoughts and becomes an extensive foreground process. My weakened psyche now demands greater negative emotional resources, which is why I try to wriggle out with positive emotional resources in a short term fix.
The accumulated weight from my many previous escapes took away my natural ground, the only place I could firmly move from.