Growing up, I couldn’t help but divide myself into a few characters and flicker between each throughout the day. Fortunately, I now see why this happened.
My habit of always finding something to imitate, by reanimating both fictional and non-fictional people and characters who were stored in my head, was the result of my exposure to various levels and angles of thoughts coming from influences in every corner of my life. It all started from inputting many people’s different lines of thinking (set-ways) as each sectioned themselves off into smaller groups, providing their own unique form of influence.
And me being me, who liked to nosey around, I stepped inside each of these worlds to acquaint myself with nature’s diversity. I was rather intrigued at how people were so far apart from each other upstairs. Also, I noticed that some people took many of their thoughts seriously, while others only took a few of them that way. Some were fanatical with their ideas, while others were blase with them.
Not long after exposure, certain traits inevitably rubbed off, and there were now multiple me’s running the show in my world. Each wild subroutine or program (potentially making up what could be considered a trojan/virus) had become much stronger.
In turn, this led me to living only one-way while the camera was on or while I was in the company of one level of mind. Only to live drastically in another mode when it switched off, or when I came across a different range of influences. I did this because each group thought that the other was strange, and I would have to hide my offending parts.
Finally Owning Up
Yes! It was ALL of me, Your Honour… North-Lee, South-Lee, East-Lee & West-Lee.
So I’m a contradiction in nearly every aspect, and yet I find it reasonable under the circumstances. My particular style of living came from an odd-interest (from odd genes) coupled with my diverse environment, and I now thank God that I’m able to embrace it. Or at least a good part of me does.
This ability to alternate my behaviour turned into Art and became much easier to manoeuvre, only because I now finally care less about everything since I clearly see that it’s simply a big mixed-up world out there. Therefore, I also see that there are only two types of people that make up this world — a Managed Schizophrenic and a Non-managed Schizophrenic (Greek for ‘split-up mind’). Each of us needs to either accept that we all live in a land of opposites, or else stay on our own side of the invisible line between ‘us and them’, and keep begging nature for only one type of nourishment to keep our mind and body pure.
Sure, I can remember immediately snubbing an opposing view on something I felt strongly about, especially when it was backed by a solid piece of logic or reason that I hadn’t previously seen or accepted. I couldn’t help reacting staunchly to it. The meal that I felt got thrown in my face simply wasn’t on my menu, which meant I wanted no piece of it. I only wanted to eat food that fit in with my particular diet.
After so much self-created and generational-byproduct conflicting BS in my life, it’s only in the last five or so years that I decided enough was enough, having reached a tipping point and deciding to make a serious change. Meanwhile, it seems everyone else has given up on learning about what life really means.
Today, as I take my thoughts less seriously it’s easier to flow between each fragment or compass point of my mind. I can flick the ‘chill switch’ much smoother than ever before. Whereas previously, and under my older visor (I can’t say that it’s completely gone), it got to the point where I would disregard factual based knowledge and other essential things: i.e., law, morals, respect, etc. I now have a better handle on where to draw the line between ‘chilling out’ and ‘rebelling against the system’.
So I now say a big thank you and goodbye to an ancient old hand-me-down tactic from the array of influences I latched onto that expects the same ways to continue in a new, modern world. Which also means, there is less alternating my behaviour throughout different times of the day and week.
I can’t escape ‘ignorance’ no matter how hard I try. It is transmitted from all angles in all generations across at least one aspect or another. Thus, my exposure to other humans growing up means that I will also end up taking less important thoughts way too seriously, while stuff that I should take with more care gets overlooked.
All up, a continued ignorance creates multiple personalities in us all which then goes on to be either managed or not managed properly. By seeing this clearly, much of the ‘trying’ from ‘trying to be less ignorant’ has been downgraded, which is my best outcome at the end of the day.