Hopelessly Lost in My Own Mind

When the outside world makes considerable contact and enters my system, either from other people’s thoughts firing my way or by elemental and material forces pressing in (food, touch, light, etc.), the same thing happens. Chemical reactions in my brain cause a noticeable sensation, and I either want more or less of it, projecting potential scenarios to reach this goal.

A built-in touch and project (cause and effect) mechanism I have always operated in, although the ‘simple’ mode had switched off many years ago, is quite easy to understand now that I have enquired deeply enough. But it was these heavier ongoing mental processes I would find hard to manage, as the echo of the past kept gripping my psyche regardless of any type of future contact I made with life.

At one stage, neither sitting in a quiet garden or park, or perhaps even laying on the beach, would produce enough of the calming effects needed to settle me down. Unfortunately, nature couldn’t get anywhere close to me as there was too much heat and smoke taking over upstairs. What I needed was the next best thing, which was a next-level mechanic for a once-in-a-lifetime tune-up.

You see, it didn’t matter what type of method I tried using to cool my motor down as this well-fuelled internal blaze was totally out of my control. Even a quiet room meant absolutely nothing as shards of the past had infused into new, wild projections of my future, and this mix released large amounts of volatile energy that played havoc on my emotions. Unfortunately, the energy of this nature was mainly kept within, thus creating an internal reactor that not even God himself could control or give a release to.

In simpler terms, I was stuck on yesterday and the year before, as well as tomorrow and the next year, haunted and taunted in an ugly time machine as both past and future seemed to all be happening in real-time.

My emotionally-charged memories, and the future projections born from them, got stuck in a strengthening loop. They followed me everywhere regardless of whatever lighter distractions I came in contact with.

The Emotional Shadow That Follows a Negative Experience

My perceived traumas, along with my lifelong conditioning that attempts to deal with them, had together become a puzzle I didn’t know how to solve. Sadly, trying to turn everything off in my mind only heightened the negative effects in the long run even more.

Sure, there were moments when I could instantly suppress my negative perception during a very short ‘ad break’ by throwing in a pleasantry or two, using a mixture of desirable thoughts, sugar, and other ingredients to create a positive relief.
But rest assured, it wasn’t long before that broken record returned with its usual track playing the same old tune, except it was always that little notch louder.

Decades of environmental, cultural, traditional, technological, and social exposure (including missing out on the more valuable aspects that normally come with each) shaped my mind into a busy factory, with each program moving along a conveyor belt whether I liked it or not.

And when all caught up in the thick of things, it’s nearly impossible to see the process, let alone learn from it and dissolve it altogether. Plus, my relationships, in general, are usually aligned with other people who hold the same level of heat, except they are wrapped up in their own stories. Which means, to us, this common strain appears as a normal part of life.

Everything becomes normal over the course of events.