Did you notice any rush of judgements or opinions bombard as we made our way thru the intro? Either thinking to yourself; what the heck is he carrying on about? Why is this so important? Or, he’s got way too much spare time on his hands. And besides, how will this impact or help my life, etc.?
Well, I suppose if any of these responses did pop up, then I’m sure at least a few people won’t be here to read this now. But whatever the answer and if you are still reading, then I welcome you to the World of Reactivity. Something first taken for granted as my ingrained past holds up a loudspeaker and swaps between its usual grubby-grabbing hands!
- Previous | Home
- My Reactions & Judgements From the Panel of Commentators
- A Help or Hinder?
- Then Get-Off the Battlefield!
- Moving Away From the Panel. Instead of Fixing, I now Can’t Help but Look at Each Fixer
- Turning Point
- Betterment – An Addition or Subtraction?
- And Congratulations! The Mindless Introduction Install is Almost Complete
- Next: The Mindful Act – Mindfulling
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[/expand]My Reactions & Judgements From the Panel of Commentators
With all certainty, I still carry a lot of my old conditioning and probably always will. No longer am I extreme in my ways, thank God. Nevertheless, I’m weathered.
Installed in me are my family, friends, teachers, neighbours, idols, peers, community leaders, acquaintances, colleagues and whoever else I’ve missed. Everyone’s rubbed off, which means, I am a product of my environment. Plus, I’d typically extend onto the accumulation-of-ignorances I’d also receive from the array (a serving WE ALL get a good dose of) and convince myself otherwise that I am indeed a free thinker. But in fact, I’m caged by these surroundings, instead.
Whenever I meet an experience, contained inside my psyche are a live panel of cross cultured commentator’s dominating just like the news and sports network who give advice.
Sometime’s, it can be great. While other times, it’s terrible.
Not only that, underneath this background is another layer with its own set of rules I often contend with. Below, is a built-in Complex Gene Network natured to move a certain way beyond my fullest understanding.
So I question reality with
How on earth can I possibly be a ‘free thinker’ when things are coded-in while others have stuck-to along the way? And the answer – Sure, I have choices to put my thoughts in. But it’s always within a scope or magnetic direction thanks to my makers and environment.
However, since I don’t know any more about genetics (or really, any), I should stay with what I do in my handed-down-panel making all the noise upstairs. Guiding and providing me with quality information to deal with the processes in life that stand before me now and ahead, my panel of commentators keep me safe by helping out with choices. Or, at least that is their job title!
A Help or Hinder?
Mmm, unfortunately, these background influences don’t help out every time. In fact, during any typical segment, my panel of friends & foes, plaintiffs & defendants, husband & wife, and any other past polarised-characters are all known to get a little too comfortable when in session and would often drift off-topic. Within moments, the tide changes and everyone starts talking crap to one another just like the guys sitting on Sports and Politics, tend to do, at the best of times.
Stuck in backward ways from yesterday, a range of preconceptions, superficial judgements, plus any unforgotten grudges, nudges and dramatisations, things naturally heat up fast.
Next, as I think about moving one way to deal with an issue or to escape whatever’s confronting, I would hear all about it from a voice on the right. Perhaps, an old neighbour or an elderly friend who’s qualities or habits speak-thru me. Then, upon realigning myself to meet that position, up comes another form of resistance. This time, telling me to get back to where I was or go another way, by expressing some other piece of background as alleged support or reasonable opinion.
So, all day and every day I’m seconding guessing my moves while this panel boils up and turns trivia into the Great Internal Debate.
Tell me, how can anyone move forward when heated exchanges continually fly back and forth by this gang of naggy magnetic characters? Or better yet, how do I switch off from the hindrances at least on the extreme?
The reality is, I can’t or won’t and reinforce my problems instead.
Hence I’m a totally DIVIDED UP and CONSUMED person letting life slip by.
Then Get-Off the Battlefield!
Um, if only it were that easy. I obviously love battling myself.
So with all these conflicting/opposing ideas and ideals flying around the tabletop, this clutter ends up shifting the panel away from an instrumental role meant to keep me safe and optimal. My judgements, mistakes, opinions, fears, desperations, ignorances, jealousy’s, shame’s, envies, and also any short-lived spikes of desire and pleasure from previous 1-upping (in stale trophies and ego, etc.), these all now rush in, take over and condense into what I call, a ‘mind’, as increased pressure and heat.
And the only reason why I went on to observe these reactions at a greater depth is that I finally noticed repetitive loops or circles I was running in. Previous lifelong attempts to stabilise within the panel only threw it back-out moments later. You see if I hadn’t of watched at this broader level, then I’d still be partaking between each commentator, caught up in their draining ways. Tv, Radio, Internet, it made no difference, it was all the same. I’d stay talking garbage with myself and barely move productively in the real world if at all, back in the day.
Therefore, my only reliable line of defence was that I step back a notch and watch the panel, instead of continuing in the panel. Which, thereby removed me from a majority of the drama and a few steps away from each character. Although, notably at first, I could only pull this off for a moment or so because the shift from the dimension (out of the panel and into head office) felt foreign, unusual.
But after a while of drifting to-and-from and in-and-out, things soon settled down, and I’d gradually increase the distance from these silly characters. Or at least away from the chatter that served little purpose.
Moving Away From the Panel. Instead of Fixing, I now Can’t Help but Look at Each Fixer.
Or I’d watch the entire show unravel and eventually released my fixation on fixing.
So, yeah, I used to try and fix everything about me. But not any more or in the traditional way. Once realising that the fixer/s were broken, and he/they couldn’t fix a flat tyre, is when the real help arrived in life. Besides using common sense when needed (which thankfully did come from the panel), as for the more complicated processes that involved overthinking, like when things heated up in the above, I took the backseat approach.
In essence, I knew that space away from the chatter had to be my best bet. Surely, a silence would deliver the least problems out of all options in front, especially after considering this BIGGER picture. And, regardless of how magnetic or aiding-like, my panel was or claimed to be. Or, I’d now move anyway, EXCEPT; forwards sideways and circles anymore, in the status quo, by simply not continuing on my usual shenanigans, saving power instead.
Yet, my issue’s probably weren’t too complex to begin. But for some reason I made them that way by chattering on and on, eventually moving my ideas off-topic in this self-made profession. I.e. My inner constructive talk that soon turned to smack talk! Given all these points today, I’d finally see and understand how I’d rationalised heavier and heavier idling over the years.
I fell in love with and became addicted to, complicating the life out of simple.
Turning Point
The fact is, I’ve been trying to fix myself for a long time by becoming better from idea’s handed down off everyone (the ideal-hand-me-downs). Unaware of all the hidden processes tying things up in the background, I always met resistance. I suppose I was bound to hit a tipping point sooner or later, which is why I finally got over it and why I’m reporting to you today.
Now truly realising, ‘I’m never going to become better’, because any ideal-of-better was always a huge leap into complex-chained thought, funnily enough, made me feel a lot better. And guess what? This submissive attitude then went on to lay the foundation to never again care about becoming better anymore!! Which, consequently and thankfully, opened up space and gave room for my cluttered-psyche to slow down.
Now what an inspiration! You see, I actually didn’t need any more of anything to improve myself. Again. If anything, I needed less.
By throwing in the towel and not worrying about this becoming-better-ideal drilled in earlier, I gradually stretched out in the real world. I was able to let go of most of my baggage, both in negative and positive spikes that hammered my system, from the panel. Besides. In simple terms, what does becoming better mean, anyway?
- Is it an increase in productivity while decreasing my destructive traits?
- Is it a matter of organising and taming my social and cultural behaviour, for nourishing my relationships?
- Or, is it all of the above plus create more compassion in my life, have extra care?
Sure, these qualities would be included in a desired outcome. But my only success so far to get anywhere close to this is after unwinding from heavier steps taken, not find better ones.
Betterment – An Addition or Subtraction?
So, I’ve had to figure out
Is ‘becoming better’ more or less? Did I seriously need to refine my thoughts and behaviour, which, equates to, ‘more’? Or, were my cogs far too complicated and needed slowing instead? Did they require a quality of ‘less’ for once in life? But not by, more-ing, as per usual?
Specifically, was I basing the idea of Betterness off a dynamic collective image or a fast-changing environment I was to conform to, for an approval?
Was I trying (continuing) to meet an expectation from a culture or subculture by continually refining myself, bending and turning with a perceived tide around me?
And, once I had conformed, then, how was I to handle or dispose of the unworthy byproducts that were bound to spill?
You see, I found that when I’d hold off certain behaviours from expressing because I was around someone or a group of people who knew me one way, then this meant I was divided. And believe me, I am!
Now here’s the thing
1) I’m conditioned to move one way due to both my good and bad traits (acquired), and 2) my nature also drives in its own way (built-in). Then lastly, 3) I try to keep it all together and tamed in close trajectory. However, there is now a sluggish byproduct because of all the energy spent from not travelling in a straight line.
And Congratulations! The Mindless Introduction Install is Almost Complete (99%)
Wow. You’ve made it this far thru my complicated mindly network. Well done! ? But first, just a little more on bettering to finalise before we delete the temporary setup files.
My combined nature and conditioning is the driving fact about me. Whereas becoming better, isn’t. Rather, that is the opposite in an ideal (otherwise I wouldn’t need it) and will always require greater effort to keep picture-perfect instead. Unfortunately, after a short while, I can’t help but relax back into my imperfect skin and let the hair down, as does everyone.
So, was I, like many others, to keep exporting my not-so-better ¾ part to myself, only? Was I to continue this 25% effortly-charged better part for the camera while another 75% stayed unbetter, quietly? Was I to add more seats on the panel to try and even up the score, or what? Now, these are the confronting questions I’d ask myself as I’d stay close to the facts about me.
Perhaps something is built in at the roots, DNA, or nature, far beyond my comprehension that helps everything eventually fall into place. But today I see it’s only when I get out of the way or off the panel that something opens up my greatest strength.
Now, we’re done.
See, the New Mindless Meaning wasn’t so hard to unravel after all. Now delete/forget the setup files and continue on.