(Heads Up: I write some crap below. It’s the type you’ll either find fascinating or never go near again.)
A Long-Distance Call on My Very Last Dollar
As I’ve already laid out, I played with the underground throughout my 20’s and conditioned myself destructively. Then, by the time I hit 30, I thought I’d had enough of my backward lifestyle so I tried jumping ship. This ‘all-or-nothing’ approach inadvertently messed with something much, much deeper which led to me deservedly getting stung after tapping into my state’s Crimes & Corruption Watchdog for salvation. Though I was more interested in throwing myself under the bus than anyone else. “Would someone take my confession? Please? Anyone, at all?”
Sure, a corruption watchdog sounded like the right choice. After all, my files were seriously corrupt at the time and well in need of purging. Unfortunately, rather than improving straight away, my life got worse from the new and more powerful destructive coding (or toxins, to be exact) I was exposed to from the influences that I hadn’t quite severed ties with back then. You see, once word got out of my exit strategy, another set of instructions, along with a few drops of a special elixir, was funnelled to those closeby to make it rain down on me.
It turned out contacting my state’s Crimes & Corruption Watchdog wasn’t the best move as a seasoned criminal, New-Age or not. They also have to make special arrangements with criminals to further infiltrate various sources, and keep the crazy in the community to a minimum. Our western philosophy is ‘Crime is always going to exist, so it’s best to manage and minimise it’. I was simply on the wrong end at the wrong time which made me appear easily dispensable. Weirdly enough, through a completely mind-shattering experience everything was made right at the end of the day.
Therefore, once I fully left the planet on this bad psychedelic ride, I had no choice but to scan the periphery with every ounce of whatever ‘looking power’ or ‘decoding power’ I had left at my disposal. Utterly desperate, I had to find the right sign from any god willing to show me mercy and follow it through to the very end. I had to listen carefully and obey everything they had to say so that I could get back onto any track except the one I entrenched myself in since disrupting an order which didn’t like their system being tampered with.
The powers that be simply weren’t impressed with me for the trailing mess I had left behind, yet they too had their hands in this complicated situation, which turned my life into a dragged-out chess game. At least, it felt that way on my end. If I were to sum up the other end, I would say that compartmentalisation is a crucial function for any civilised world, but my dilemma had breached it within the organisation, and brazen shortcuts were exposed in normal working environments, if that makes sense. This had a rippling effect on everyone’s lives, while making me into a target or problem.
You see, there were those working quietly alongside the underground in one room (clandestine operations or bigger picture people), as well as those in another room within the same building who were actively fighting the crime (normal operations or smaller picture people). Or another way to put it is that there were skilled psychopaths in one room, while less intelligent but well-structured folks were in the other rooms. And now both groups had a new headache to deal with, yours truly… the fly in everyone’s chardonnay.
Immediately, I was frowned upon as a new threat carrying a strange trojan, almost to the point of being a foreign agent. I became a severe pain in the butt troublemaker living between two worlds of paperwork, being newly identified as mentally disabled on the other end in order to drown out the original paperwork and keep me out of courtrooms.
For the very first time, I had an unavoidable mega-challenge in my face as I entered into a new phase of double-life-ism that I certainly wasn’t ready for. The old phase of being two different people was so much easier to handle than this new one. Perhaps it was all meant to be as the escapade primed me to undertake this newer and bigger task.
It’s a pickle like none other when bouncing back and forth between mental illness from debilitating toxins on the one end, to the mind of a shark on the other end. Well, I use the word ‘shark’ because it became my new nickname within the ranks. Talk about being split straight down the middle and bouncing lightyears between the aspect of myself that was broken and that which was still potent and effective.
My First Real Affirmation
“Just stay in the light, Lee. Whatever little glow or speckle there is.”
Living on the Darkside is one thing, but feeling its wrath come back and bite is quite another. This new cage I locked myself in took almost all my space away. Through poor decision making, I ultimately created a tight psychological enclosure that eventually antagonised my world because of an ACTUAL pain in the neck and head from years of condensed fear that shifted to anger and real tension.
An inner-to-outer world manifestation of potent inflammation came from the non-stop vetting of my surroundings for danger, along with the surroundings of those around me for any potential safety concerns behind them. I was infuriated because I couldn’t turn it off or explain the idea to anyone, except for the god that was in or behind my mind. This inner cry for help was being heard by something powerful in the far background, otherwise, I wouldn’t be here today. After years of ongoing biochemical and neurochemical fluctuations that altered every aspect of me, while the majority of people in my life had no idea (and they still don’t at the time of me writing this), there’s no doubt something finally answered my call.
Odd Help From Abroad?
After toying with death on more than a few occasions, I soon realised… “Hey, I’m equipped with things way beyond my comprehension. I was born with a built-in sorcery system and somehow its next level activated to help me out of most of my predicament.”
A prime directive to survive stronger influences within the community (and inside my head) enacted deeper functions, which also widened my net of observation, thereby fine-tuning my sensitivity for the sake of integrating back into the community. Don’t ask me how, precisely, but I would somehow gear up and call upon various mediums from both within the gates and beyond. Until one day, I finally made my way to where I am now, being a somewhat sane person with a smaller chip on his shoulder.
And if it weren’t for my previous clandestine skills that kicked off at 8 years old, I definitely wouldn’t be here Mindlessing with you today. So I have to thank God for that. Although, if I hadn’t the need for all the secrecy earlier, I would be on another course altogether. Fortunately, my god encourages constructive criticism from me. He wants me to question things when I feel the need, which is essentially how I’ve evolved into who I am today.