A Long-Distance Call on My Very Last Dollar
As I’ve already laid out, I played with the underground throughout my 20’s and conditioned myself destructively. Then, by the time I hit 30, I thought I’d had enough of my backward lifestyle so I tried jumping ship. This ‘all-or-nothing’ approach inadvertently messed with something much, much deeper which led to me deservedly getting stung after tapping into my state’s crimes and corruption watchdog for salvation. Though I was more interested in throwing myself under the bus than anyone else. “Would someone take my confession? Please? Anyone, at all?”
Sure, a corruption watchdog sounded like the right choice. After all, my files were seriously corrupt at the time and well in need of purging. Unfortunately, rather than improving straight away, my life got worse from the new and more powerful toxins I was exposed to from the influences that I hadn’t quite severed ties with back then. You see, once word got out of my exit strategy, another set of instructions, along with a few drops of a special elixir, was funnelled to those closeby to make it rain down on me.
It turned out that contacting my state’s crimes and corruption Watchdog had its own set of challenges. They also have to make special arrangements with criminals to further infiltrate various sources, and keep the crazy in the community to a minimum. Our Western philosophy is ‘Crime is always going to exist, so manage and minimise the fallout’. Makes perfect sense. I was simply on the wrong end at the wrong time, making me appear easily dispensable. Weirdly enough, through a completely mind-shattering experience, everything was made right in the end.
I feel self conscious about calling so much attention to my state’s corruption watchdog as my state and I have come a long way over the years. But there is no way to remove their mention without sacrificing a significant part of the story with it. Suffice it to say, we have both evolved over the course of events, and now things are in a much healthier place all round.
The Desperate Search for Mercy
Once I fully left the planet on this bad psychedelic ride of a lifetime, I had no choice but to scan the periphery with every ounce of ‘looking power’ or ‘decoding power’ I had left. Utterly desperate, I needed to find the right sign from any god willing to show mercy and follow it through to the end. I had to listen carefully and obey everything they had to say to get back on any track except the one I entrenched myself in since disrupting an order that didn’t like their system being tampered with.
The powers that be weren’t impressed with me for the trailing mess I had left behind. Yet they too had their hands in this complicated situation, which turned my life into a dragged-out chess game. At least, it felt that way on my end. If I were to sum up their end, I would say that compartmentalisation within law enforcement is a crucial element for any civilised world, but my dilemma somehow overlapped within the organisation, exposing brazen shortcuts in normal working environments. This had a rippling effect on everyone’s lives, making me an even bigger problem.
You see, there were those working quietly alongside the underground in one room (clandestine operations or bigger picture people) and those actively fighting crime in another room within the same building (normal operations or smaller picture people). And soon both groups faced new headaches: stricter rules and regulations imposed on one side, and morality issues confronting the other side.
Living Between Two Worlds
Immediately, I was frowned upon as a new threat carrying a strange trojan, almost to the point of being a foreign agent. I became a severe pain in the butt troublemaker living between two worlds of paperwork, being newly identified as mentally messed up on the other end to drown out the original paperwork and keep me out of courtrooms.
For the very first time, I had an unavoidable mega-challenge in my face as I entered into a new phase of double-life-ism that I certainly wasn’t ready for. The old phase of being two different people was so much easier to handle than this new one. Perhaps it was all meant to be as the escapade primed me to undertake this newer and bigger task of Ultimate Lessing.
A Battle Between Two Selves
It’s a pickle like none other when bouncing back and forth between mental illness from debilitating toxins on the one end, to the mind of a shark on the other end. Well, I use the word ‘shark’ because it became my new nickname within the ranks. Talk about being split straight down the middle and bouncing lightyears between the aspect of myself that was broken and that which was still potent and effective.
My First Real Affirmation
Living on the Darkside is one thing, but feeling its wrath come back and bite is quite another. This new mental cage I locked myself in took almost all my space away. Through poor decision-making, I ultimately created a tight psychological enclosure that eventually antagonised my real world because of an ACTUAL pain in the neck and head from years of condensed fear that shifted to anger and real tension.
An inner-to-outer world manifestation of potent inflammation came from the non-stop vetting of my surroundings for danger, along with the surroundings of those around me for any potential safety concerns behind them. I was infuriated because I couldn’t turn it off or explain the idea to anyone, except for the god that was in or behind my mind. This inner cry for help was being heard by something powerful in the far background, otherwise, I wouldn’t be here today. After years of ongoing biochemical and neurochemical fluctuations that altered every aspect of me, while the majority of people in my life had no idea (and they still don’t at the time of me writing this), there’s no doubt something finally answered my call:
“Just stay in the light, Lee. Whatever little glow or speckle there is.”
Odd Help From Abroad?
After toying with death on more than a few occasions, I soon realised… “Hey, I’m equipped with things way beyond my comprehension. I was born with a built-in sorcery system and somehow its next level activated to help me out of most of my predicament.”
A prime directive to survive stronger influences within the community (and inside my head) enacted deeper functions, which also widened my net of observation, thereby fine-tuning my sensitivity for the sake of integrating back into the community. Don’t ask me how, precisely, but I would somehow gear up and call upon various mediums from both within the gates and beyond. Until one day, I finally made my way to where I am now, being a somewhat sane person with a smaller chip on his shoulder.
And if it weren’t for my previous clandestine skills that kicked off at 8 years old, I definitely wouldn’t be here Mindlessing with you today. So I have to thank God for that. Although, if I hadn’t the need for all the secrecy earlier, I would be on another course altogether. Fortunately, my god encourages constructive criticism from me. He wants me to question things when I feel the need, which is essentially how I’ve evolved into who I am today.