Holding My Space (With the Help of Time)

Whenever I grab and hold onto a particular state of mind, I empower a mental fragment that affects my everyday reality. The more I hold onto this isolated space, the greater the call for something to eventually provide a contrast, which affects me day in and day out. And, something similar happens the other way around. My attention gets pulled away from one mental scenario continuing, only to allow another mental scenario to unfold. Therefore, both positive and negative senses of time require a rearrangement of my current state of mind, due to compensation issues always cycling through various spaces trying to find that sweet place called home.

In life, I aim to avoid the heaviness that time brings to the table by floating off on something much lighter (positive time). But only until the contrast drags me back, essentially forcing me to look at the clock in my mind and noticing each minute passing by. Being ‘all for’ time means that I’ll take as much of the space I’m experiencing as I can since I’m comfortably operating within a desired movement of my thoughts. Alternatively, being ‘totally against’ time means that I would try to escape the current space and the movement which it represents. Now, I prefer staying in positive time, because seriously… who doesn’t love an escape from a cramped space into a desired one? Who on earth would want to go back to anxiety and tension inside a massive build-up of pressure when comfort awaits on the other side of their mind?

By calling upon and holding onto one level of experience or density of space, I thought I was doing myself a favour. But in fact, it wasn’t long before the pressure built back up as I entered another level of experience that was far, far away on the opposite end of the spectrum.

Fragments Existing in Space & Time

Let’s break these two components down which are usually defined in the way of physical reality…

Fragments in Space:

Whether in technology, demography, geography or psychology, fragments are all the same. They are pieces of things, spaces and aspects that all have their own distinction or function. Fragmentation in the psych world divides my character and behaviour, and it also organises the various relationships in my life into groups, causing me to act differently according to each set.

And it is for this reason I live my life as a Gypsie, continually crossing state lines, never actually settling at a place to call home. Not only that, but the more energy I put into holding, controlling and rearranging the different states and spaces within my life is the more fragmented my life becomes. I am constantly travelling from one end of the mind to the other, creating an environment where home simply becomes the movement itself.

Fragments in Time:

In terms of time, fragmentation is when my life is divided between the past, present and future. By constantly shifting from memories of yesterday to the hopes and fears of tomorrow I create an overall fragmented reality, where the present reality has little space to thrive as the sense of time takes over.

Plus, the more I try to escape the fury side of time by remaining ignorant to its effects ( – → + + ), the greater this divide or distinction will reflect in my behaviour as I get pulled toward each extreme.

The Sense of Time Shaping My Space

Keeping the fury of time at arm’s length is the absolute key for my escaping, because that’s where all my problems are, in a battle between Yesterday and Tomorrow. My dramas are always caught in a showdown between what was ‘back then’ in undesirable memory and what ‘lays ahead’ in a refined or future projection that tries to turn things positive. And there I was in my usual tug of war until I found an escape that took the ‘un’ desirable from the equation. Yet the reality was it was only ever short-lived and always came back.

When my attention moves away from a cluttered region of my mind, instead of working through the mess by staying in direct contact with the problem and resolving it, it’s because I have packed my bags and run off. I’ve shifted and sheltered to a less dense spread out area, aka a serene place with plenty of space (serene side of time). Or simply put, I have created and moved my attention into a lighter fragment of the mind in favour of living in a positive time frame, which increases my happiness since I’ve flipped the energy in my nervous system.

However, after clearly seeing that I was taking on more of these mental trips than usual, and with extra running around to different places and spaces, this gave me a new incentive to move in an unusual but most fortunate way. You see, what was about to come next in my life was nothing like any of the steps that I had ever taken before. By clearly seeing the bigger picture for once, which was me inside a giant runaround mental Time and Space mess, I naturally moved towards a less obstructive route if that makes sense. I took aim at a new way of creating less blowback for myself by essentially reducing my mental movements (aka my positive mental trips).

How was I able to ‘move less’ when I was conditioned to ‘keep mentally moving’ no matter what the situation was?

When I finally saw myself constant shifting about, everything became crystal clear. I had to psychologically negate my way to Mindful stillness and freedom.

After giving considerable attention to a lifestyle of my scattered steps taken, I couldn’t help but unwind in an entirely fresh way. Today, I no longer stay focused on my usual goal of finding better steps to replace the obsolete ones with, including any epiphanies that light up my mind. In fact, I don’t take any ideals seriously or overly inflate them anymore because I realised that they kept me in a conventionally ‘forward-moving motion’, no matter what they entailed or promised. And that was problematic since I was born with a mind that operates rather differently.

Also, I should have known better earlier. I live in a bi-polar world that attracts and repels everything by nature. Having moved away from a relationship breakdown, crisis or challenge of any kind, even my best effort couldn’t hold my most favoured or practised escape for too long. Regrettably, I would return to the dense scene in absolutely no time at all. Hence, all the running around — the up and down!