Holding My Space (With the Help of Time)

Whenever I grab and hold onto a certain state of mind, I empower a mental fragment or space that affects my everyday reality because the more I hold onto this space, the greater the call for something to contrast it becomes, which affects my behaviour. By the same token, a greater sense of time ‘against’ one mental scenario continuing and ‘for’ another mental scenario beginning starts increasing. Let’s call it the up and down sense of time within the mind that continually cycles through various spaces.

In life, I aim to avoid the heaviness of time or negative time by floating in something lighter, but only until the contrast drags me back, essentially forcing me to watch the God-forsaken clock in my mind and hearing each banging tick of the hand. Being ‘for’ time in this sense means that I’ll take as of it much as I can as I’m comfortably operating within a desired movement of my thoughts. While being ‘against’ time means that I would try to escape it and the movement which it represents. Now, I prefer staying in positive time, because, seriously… who doesn’t love an escape from a cramped space into a desired one? Who on earth would want to go back to anxiety and tension inside a massive build-up of pressure when comfort awaits on the other side of their mind?

By calling upon and holding onto one level of experience or density of space, I thought I was doing myself a favour. But in fact, it wasn’t long before the pressure built back up as I entered another level of experience that was far, far away!

Fragments in Space & Time

Let’s go one step further and break these two components down…

Fragments in Space:

Whether in technology, demography, geography or psychology, fragments are all the same. They are broken up things, spaces and aspects. Fragmentation in the psych world divides my character and behaviour, and it also sorts the various relationships in my life into groups, causing me to act differently according to each block.

For this reason I feel as though I live the Gypsie lifestyle, continually crossing state lines, never actually settling at a place to call home.

And the more energy I put into creating or fixing these different states and realities within my life is the more fragmented my life becomes. Please note that fixing is not the same as optimising. Mentally fixing is a conscious force based on the opposite energy. Eventually I am constantly pulled from one extreme of the mind to another, creating confusion to the point where I am unsure of who, or where I really am.

Fragments in Time:

In terms of time, fragmentation is when my life is divided between the past, present and future. By constantly shifting from memories of yesterday to the hopes and fears of tomorrow I create an overall fragmented reality, where the present reality has little space to thrive as the sense of time takes over.

Plus, the more I try to escape the fury side of time by remaining ignorant to its effects ( – → + + ), the greater this divide or distinction will reflect in my behaviour as I get pulled toward each extreme.

The Sense of Time That Shapes My Space

Keeping the fury of time at arm’s length is the absolute key for my escaping, because that’s where all my problems are, in a battle between Yesterday and Tomorrow. My dramas are always caught in a showdown between what was ‘back then’ in undesirable memory and what ‘lays ahead’ in a refined or future projection that tries to turn things positive. And there I was constantly in a tug of war until I found an escape that took the ‘un’ desirable from the equation. Yet the reality was it was only ever short-lived.

When my attention moves away from a cluttered region of my mind, instead of working through the mess by staying in direct contact with the problem and resolving it, it’s because I have packed my bags and run off. I’ve shifted and sheltered to a less dense spread out area, aka a serene place with plenty of space (in parallel with the serene side of time). Or in a technical and simple sense, I have created and moved my attention into a lighter fragment of the mind in favour of living in a positive time frame, which increases my happiness since I’ve flipped the energy in my nervous system.

However, after clearly seeing that I was taking on more of these mental trips than usual, and with extra running around to different spaces, this gave me a new incentive to move in an odd but most fortunate way. You see, what was about to come next in my life was nothing like any of the steps that I had ever taken before. By clearly seeing the bigger picture for once, which was me inside a giant runaround mental time and space mess, I naturally moved towards a less obstructive route, if that makes sense. I took aim at a new way of creating less blowback for myself by essentially ‘mentally moving less’.

How was I able to ‘move less’ when I was conditioned to ‘keep mentally moving’ no matter what the situation was?

When I finally saw myself properly, it became crystal clear… I had to psychologically negate my way to freedom.

After giving considerable attention to a lifestyle of my scattered steps taken across all areas, I couldn’t help but unwind in an entirely fresh way. Today, I no longer stay focused on my usual goal of finding better steps to replace the obsolete ones with, including any impulsive ideals that fire up in my mind. In fact, I don’t take any ideals seriously or overly inflate them anymore because I realised that they kept me in a forward-moving motion, no matter what they entailed or promised. And that was problematic since I was born with a mind that operates with backward-moving cogs, so to speak.

Also, I should have known better earlier (the ideal of better). I live in a bi-polar world that attracts and repels everything by nature. Having moved away from a relationship breakdown, crisis or challenge of any kind, even my best effort couldn’t hold my most favoured or practised escape for too long. Regrettably, I would return to the dense scene in absolutely no time at all.

Hence, all the running around… the up and down!


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