As things came to light and evolved, my life in general needed less and less management. Or rather, management shifted away from the conscious mind which was all that mattered since I no longer had to think my way through everything all-day-long.
A Fresh Shift
Fortunately, as the Mindless aspect opened its doors and the previous bad rep fell apart, it also felt like the traditional Mindful realm significantly strengthened following on.
Don’t get me wrong, I truly understand that traditions have their place in human existence. Otherwise, I may not have many of the things I’ve come to take for granted, such as the clothes and shoes that I wear or even the food that I eat and music I listen to. Traditional disciplines, even though many bump heads, have undeniably brought a necessary order to billions of people on the grand scale of things. Without their organisation, I dare say that life would be far different, and not in a good way.
However, in my particular case with this unorthodox thinking built into my being, I knew I had to eventually go beyond ideas that had either only barely worked before, or simply hadn’t worked at all. To truly take this newer Mindless idea away from its strange wild-ish infancy and into something stronger, meant that I had to let go of old habits that were used to feeding up a More-ish mind with addictive ideas and ideals. I also had to move away from the conventional world of black and white I tried numerous times to blend into over the years, but had always remained just out of reach.
In return for my outside-the-box optimisation, I bumped into a new hidden life extension quality that pulled me out of the lifeless hole I was in. Going far beyond the conventional way of thinking and allowing a much greater organisation to unfold was the only thing that saved and replenished my life.
Thank You ‘Level 1 Backwardness’, But I’m Now Done Thinking Along Your Line.
So after constantly failing to find my way with this massive machine on my shoulders, eventually causing it to seize up and break down, I only relaxed and spread my wings once I clearly saw that my incompatibility with the mainstream world wasn’t all my fault. However, a good part of the mess I made did come from poor choices.
Simply put, all of the conventional mental health and psychology programs that tried helping were developed and had evolved from a different mindset. They came from a general mind perspective in order to help struggling minds get back on this one firm track. Or if they had never been on this track, then there was a particular way to get them on it. Which, and only later down the road, made perfect sense to me.
The collective mind that pulled the tribe through the ages couldn’t or wouldn’t recognise anything beyond the linear lens in a new day (in new light). In other words, it wouldn’t budge beyond the restraints of black and white that I felt compelled against or out of alignment with when trying to apply their philosophy to my life.
Along the Grey-Area Strip is where I have always lived.
It’s my home.
Unfortunately, everything becomes much harder in life when you are pushed against your nature.
Not only did I end up extremely divided and pickled inside a lost cause at the peak of my breakdown, but it also felt like ‘The Help’ were being extra challenging. I could have sworn that many of them wanted to see me fail and get buried under a ton of paperwork, if not soil.
“I’m running out of options fast,” I kept thinking to myself. The social workers, counsellors and doctors… to name a few fields, had really no interest in hearing what was actually on my mind, so most of it got left out. And in nearly all of my sessions, appointments or interactions with these types of cogs, I would walk away with more stress than I had started with because there was never any real connection between us. The only field that came close was one whose members played less clinical roles in what’s called ‘Recovery’. These are the Artisans who empower such things as music, art and crafts as a more holistic form of therapy.
Although it is worth pointing out that the resistance I felt then has indeed proven to be very beneficial now that I’m down the track, after much-needed space to help clarify my thoughts. The dark cloud that once hung over my head would also bring better life, I later realised. This is why I’m now able to connect with a broader range of minds today.
At the Time of the Dark Cloud, I Remember Thinking…
My entire scene and the broken state of mind I’m stuck in is going to be ‘it’ for the rest of my life. I felt physical pressures overwhelming everywhere, spreading like a disease. For instance, my skin was all leathery and my words weren’t connecting properly. Therefore, I was as rigid as ever as I morphed into a Zombie who had little respect for himself or life. However, in the very distant part of my mind, I was always conjuring up something. I would always look for any possible opening to exploit… then plan and execute my attack.
You see, deep down I knew I was coded-in differently to the herd. I was a little odd, but I could also adapt when necessary for at least ‘x’ amount of time or until I would finally have to let the hair down and operate freely. Therefore, it was up to me and whatever strength I was gifted to craft my own homemade screwdriver to apply to the cogs of my life. If I were to tighten up these nuts and bolts once and for all and get back my good skin, I would have to hand our society’s book back and go deep-deep inside instead to find my salvation. In fact, it’s the only reason why I made it to greener pastures today.