The Will Complex

Do you remember repeating the following over and over to family, friends and peers?

“Hey, I’ve got the BEST idea ever. Watch me make it happen!”

Well, I do… and it feels like only yesterday.

Yet it didn’t matter what fruit I picked out of the bowl that day, week or month as it always tasted great. In fact, I would convince myself each time that this particular idea (apple/pear/banana) was the absolute BEST one, while also convincing others of the same notion too.

However, the boost or surge of energy that came from it didn’t last long, regardless of whatever it was I bit into and held up high to show you. It was the idea of the day that always caught my attention.

My Will & Time

Whether my willed-idea meant a long-term job with tedious steps for my reward, or a small one-off domestic task to avoid a problem, neither mattered as I always ended up with the same annoying interference in the middle called Time.

Willpower + Time created a murky and dense thought-provoking consumed space between the ‘what is’ reality AND the ‘what should be’ non-reality that was far away. It was a place where my emotions fluctuated up and down moments before the job or task that required my clear attention and best energy.

I had spent so much of my life speculating over ways I could get around the ‘bad thinking’ and ‘acting’, and simply skip ahead to the ‘have acted’ as my willpower magically completes its job and I happily cash in on the reward. I needed to find a way to bypass the annoying time interval altogether along with the job itself, and get straight to my reward at the ‘what should be’ end.

Hence, I gave myself more Time in the process from all the over-thinking which turned into bad thinking and a stretched sense of Time, if that makes sense. This basically meant that I felt time significantly more in a backlash soon after attaching to the idea of the reward.

As usual, my habits are brilliant at finding any excuse possible to maintain their position. Of course, I had to add more tunnel between me and the approaching light, while under the impression that I was going to get closer to the end.

The Actual Longer Detour in Taking the Shortcut

Do you see how annoying this is?

Surely everyone’s had a good taste of this at some point, or still experiences it even today. I add unnecessary thinking into the equation by massively converting my mental rewards early. I theoretically eliminate the gap between the ‘thinking’ and ‘acted’ and head straight to the bank.

It’s ludicrous, but standard. By habit, I respond to a task by inflating the idea of ‘already completing the task’, thinking that a good thing is underway in my mind. I convert the motivation from the reward that hasn’t even fruited in reality into positivity, thereby not externalising the energy properly to get the actual job done.

The reality is that these positive thoughts also burn up my energy, leaving me less capable of doing the necessary work.

I’ve already spent my reward, so now I’m a weaker-minded person. Next, alarm bells ring because I’m running out of excuses as to why I haven’t paid up in the real world.

Time Is Closing In

Holding off time

Not only does a variety of chatter throw me off from the very start of my idea, the will-induction period, but pressures intensify as I get super close to the acting, if not during my poor attempt at acting the idea out. As a result, my busy state of mind significantly compresses the perception of time even more, making my experience feel longer than usual from all the mental tension. Multiple directions and possible outcomes overlap and stack up in my mind, and now my life becomes even murkier.

Next, with a well-fed or fuelled-up sense of resistance running the show upstairs, whether I like it or not, I want nothing more but to get the job done in any number of ways, while I also want to run away from it altogether in the next thought.

I’m in a state of conflict again, alternating between too many active mental threads in my mind.

Please help me… I’m nearing the point to where I’m about to disturb my comfortable patterns by abruptly changing my behaviour. Or I’ve started the job initiated by my will, but now I’m under the mental gun because I spent my reward early. In any case, more thoughts intervene to try and sort everything out.

In all the havoc, I look for a new source of mental reward in another carrot on a stick. This always happens because the last pleasant scene has already worn off. Therefore, as a way to compensate, I spit out a mouthful and go into another idea, fruit, or sweet veg.

Early Inflation

I do like the idea of Positively-driven Willpower at the beginning as it’s very empowering. But it’s extra important to know that I only like it at arm’s length, away from the ACTUAL leg work. Besides, it’s far too easy to fall blindly in love and bypass the job altogether, as I hop, skip and mentally jump straight for a bogus cheque without ever lifting a finger in the real world.

Let’s recap:

I have a will to do something.

Soon after, I inflate my task by engaging in background chatter that carries on about why I should and shouldn’t be doing this and that, etc., converting any related rewards and failures in advance.

However, all of the combined speculating, dreaming, debating and resisting takes a toll and disrupts my potential outbound activity. Or the brakes get put on my active-reality.

Therefore, I continue to strengthen a lifelong internal problem that keeps me FROM moving in the real world.

So that’s why I’m lazy… I’m running marathons upstairs instead.