Narrative Neurosis

/ˈnarətɪv ˌnjʊəˈrəʊsɪs/: The condition of becoming lost in my own story. Spinning my self-image or image of the world to the point of hysteria. Repeatedly promoting my story over the stories of those around me to gain control.

Over the years I have collected vast amounts of information. Some of it is useful, which I have used to my advantage, while the unuseful parts have been discarded. At least, I would stop thinking about the many purposeless or outdated things that I have encountered at the conscious level, believing that my mind was thus free of any byproducts (or that which I would deem to be a byproduct).

As with all creatures, I make a home out of whatever is at my disposal. And in the case of a mental home, the one us humans carry around in our head that consists of a timeline of events/stories, I naturally add and remove items or chapters to and from this collage based on the fresh hand-picked memories I record when carrying on in daily life. Some of these, mind you, are then highlighted and go towards the Main Feature of my story for all to hear as they stay listening to my podium voice that continues unfolding the story of “blah, blah, blah…”

Once I have my story intact the next thing I need to do is find a way to convey it to you, or at least have it ready before you try pulling it out of me. First, I begin by priming you with smaller, common features of myself, creating a solid base for what comes next. Next, I move on with a simple colour or two in a decorative arrangement to give the story a unique taste. From here, I add a blotch or more of darker tones to help break it all up with something slightly fearful or distasteful, creating contrast and effect. Finally, I paint the big picture with even more colours, shades, textures and blotching, giving even greater contrast and effect. Thus a vibrant overall meaning, with a balanced dose of my success and failures, are clearly transmitted to you.

However, I now realise that it’s what I say all-around in my life; i.e., before, during and after any curation, that reveals my ‘true colours’ and exposes the larger influences that I thought I had filtered out or forgotten about. You know, I wouldn’t think twice of being affected by them even this far down the track.

So, “Blah, blah, and blah…” as I continue on about this, that and the other. As my words flow, you are hearing the sounds of a hand-crafted narrative while watching me flick thru the mental pages on cue, so to speak. Well… At least this is how I perceive you when the shoe is on the other foot. Yet in the background, I’m also taking in your responses, such as body language, which will help me make adjustments to my sentences ahead.

They say humans are creatures of habit that follow many patterns all day long, filtering out any perceived asymmetry while gripping onto symmetry or something tasty. But did you also know that we are specialised in conveying the ‘up & down storyline’, forwarding sensationalism onto each other in order to give our existence a greater value? Or at least, I gain a greater sense of worth by revisiting the stand-out appealing features of my past or someone else’s past in order to get me thru each day, whether it is said to myself only in a monologue or directed to you.

I Move in a Particular Direction Based on the Many Influences That Have Entered My Life. Obviously, the Same Goes for You…

At first, we’ll put on a show and test each other’s waters, treading carefully, feeling out any set boundaries, resistance, etc. But soon, I will begin to work you into ‘my current’ as my way is obviously the best way to move forward. Even if I have to start off in a mirage of succumbing to your landscape, I’ll do whatever it takes to gain your trust. Then, once I get a whiff of your weaker spot and hone in on it, applying my specialised method of narrative exploitation… I know that I’m now one step closer to winning this information war against you, and you are about to see the light!

As I begin channelling you into ‘my way of life’, back over from that poor terrain, I’m relieved because I know that I’m about to win you over…

Deep down, all I want is for you to become an extension of my mental design and accept the influences that have shaped me into who I am. Otherwise, we’ll simply carry on with little in common but these superficial elements that hold no real value. So please, listen carefully, Obsolete Curator! If you are not with me, you will soon be against me… We’ll continue our game of narrative tug of war until one of us caves in first.

And in the event of my defeat where my weaknesses get overly exposed, even after I attack your influences to their very core, I will divert and deflect our attention in one way or another while planning for something stronger down the track. I’ll immediately go off-topic with something sensational and head back to the mental drawing board, planning another attack to finally put you onto a better course once and for all.

I’ll hide, ignore and divert attention away from the weaker or uglier aspects of my narrative because the ends always justify the means in my head. Plus, as someone who specialises in ‘deflection’, I’ll craft everything so carefully that no lying ever gets involved. At the end of the day, I know that I am doing the right thing because my ways ultimately carry the lesser of the two evils, says my Bigger Picture Rationale that I picked up somewhere along the line.

Look, I want you to feel the rewards and emotions from my storyline… it’s as simple as that. I am shaped into who I am because of these events, so now I must export these emotionally-charged values onto you via the ‘Meaning in a Story Protocol’ before you miss out. I ultimately want you to feel how I feel so that we move the same way together, stronger as one. This is the purpose, form and nature of my narrative or mental-home.

Neurosis comes into effect when I am fixated on the one life path or mental community, in a world of many that I have refused to consider, because of my emotional attachment to a particular direction. In other words, the power of my emotion, which is without restraint, control or a greater understanding at the helm, has locked me into a bumpy course of up & down sensationalism to ideas that might also bear little-to-no fact! In turn, my ignorance then causes suffering to not only myself (from all the defending), but to others as well (from all the attacking). Therefore, I tour life in general with a highly strung but smaller and smaller fanbase while getting under more and more people’s skin.